INT - COLLEGE CLASS ROOM - DAY
Professor Simin, a 45 year old thin greying short balding man with a pooch - Accounting 101 course walks to the front of the class.
Professor Simin: Welcome to Accounting 101. You'll quickly learn that I am full of very interesting metaphors and analogies that will really make this subject come alive for you.
Accounting is like what your mom does when your mom keeps up with your girlfriends. Either you love it or you hate it. But either way good for you.
By the end of the class you'll really learn about how to read a cash flow sheet. Cash flow sheets are like when your mom, buys groceries and when you eat them, and then whatever is spent on waste management.
The Balance Sheet is a lot like when your mom is consumed with keeping track of the number of times you forgot to take out the trash and she reminds you constantly!
Class member 1:
Excuse me professor, I am failing to understand your metaphors and how they relate to accounting. I am going to be an accountant so I really need to understand it.
Professor Simin: Oh, sorry, sometimes I get carried away with my examples. I am glad that you are going to be an accountant. It is a very rewarding job with high pay and good job security.
Speaking of good job security, you will keep your job even if your mom comes out to your job and tells your boss that he needs to make sure that you eat your veggies and to not hang out with Larry that bad influence in accounts payable.
Class member 2: I am sorry, but you are distracting us from the subject again. Can you get back to the basics of accounting?
Professor Simin: Gosh, I apologize. Let me just bring in my mom to finish teaching. Shes tired of waiting in the closet.
Professor Simin opens the closet door and out comes a gray haired bent over little lady.
Mom: Ok Class, lets open our books to page 21, The Income Statement, This reminds me of how my son spends all his income on video games.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Draining People
INT - Restarant - Day
Three women sit and have lunch in a busy all you can eat salad place on a Thursday.
Suzanne: Jill just doesn't appreciate my efforts on her behalf.
Lynn: Oh, I am sorry sweetie, maybe its because Jealous of the time you spend with Bob.
Suzanne: Yeah, she definitely is. She really acts out when he and I leave her out of our conversations. But she also is very negative.
Laura: I hate negativity.
Lynn: Negativity is so draining.
Suzanne: She has a lot of issues with me going out without her.
Lynn: Thats so selfish. What does she think she's is?
Suzanne: Exactly, I think I give her so much of my attention and its not like shes the only person in my life.
Laura: We are here for your girl!
Suzanne: Ok, well when Jill's first birthday happens in two weeks you girls can come out and give me your support against that little brat so she doesn't take up all the attention.
Three women sit and have lunch in a busy all you can eat salad place on a Thursday.
Suzanne: Jill just doesn't appreciate my efforts on her behalf.
Lynn: Oh, I am sorry sweetie, maybe its because Jealous of the time you spend with Bob.
Suzanne: Yeah, she definitely is. She really acts out when he and I leave her out of our conversations. But she also is very negative.
Laura: I hate negativity.
Lynn: Negativity is so draining.
Suzanne: She has a lot of issues with me going out without her.
Lynn: Thats so selfish. What does she think she's is?
Suzanne: Exactly, I think I give her so much of my attention and its not like shes the only person in my life.
Laura: We are here for your girl!
Suzanne: Ok, well when Jill's first birthday happens in two weeks you girls can come out and give me your support against that little brat so she doesn't take up all the attention.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Lunch Time Announcement by and Ego Maniac
INT - Office Break Room - DAY
Henry:
I have announcement.
Jerry:
Oh no, not again.
Henry:
Yes, I know you are excited to hear it since last week when I announced the reason why I forgive you all for not getting me a "Best Coworker of the Month" gift last week' you all quickly ran out of the room to buy me something. I am still waiting for those gifts.
Susan:
Henry, please, give us a break. We are trying to eat lunch.
Henry:
This announcement is important and will impact your life today.
Larry:
Fine, just hurry it up.
Henry:
Starting today, you may, if you wish, and I am sure you will wish to, put any and all chocolates, (dark swiss perferably) into this antique glass fish bowl which I've bought just for this purpose.
Susan:
Let me get this straight, you got a glass bowl for us to give you candy?
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT! (resuming regular volume) I have purchased an elegant fish bowl for the use of Dark Chocolate, not Candy, which I hate. So please start placing the Dark Chocolates in the bowl starting tomorrow at 8:15 am. Unless of course you have some ready to give me now, which I'll accept.
Jerry:
You want us to throw chocolates into your fishbowl?
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT, (resuming regular volume) Place the dark chocolates into the fish bowl gently. This is anique bowl made in Italy for the princess's favorite handmaid's daughter as a wedding gift. I bought it on ebay for $358.
Susan:
I think its ridiculous that you bought a $358 fish bowl for candy for your cube.
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT, (resuming regular volume) I think its ridiculous that you call The Henry Domain as a "Cube." The Henry Domain has many fineries which cost much more than $358, so please stop being silly.
Jerry:
Your the one who is silly Henry!
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT, (resuming regular volume) You are silly for not realizing my absolute brilliance in my plan. This ends my announcement. Please carry on with your foolish gossiping and chattering.
Henry:
I have announcement.
Jerry:
Oh no, not again.
Henry:
Yes, I know you are excited to hear it since last week when I announced the reason why I forgive you all for not getting me a "Best Coworker of the Month" gift last week' you all quickly ran out of the room to buy me something. I am still waiting for those gifts.
Susan:
Henry, please, give us a break. We are trying to eat lunch.
Henry:
This announcement is important and will impact your life today.
Larry:
Fine, just hurry it up.
Henry:
Starting today, you may, if you wish, and I am sure you will wish to, put any and all chocolates, (dark swiss perferably) into this antique glass fish bowl which I've bought just for this purpose.
Susan:
Let me get this straight, you got a glass bowl for us to give you candy?
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT! (resuming regular volume) I have purchased an elegant fish bowl for the use of Dark Chocolate, not Candy, which I hate. So please start placing the Dark Chocolates in the bowl starting tomorrow at 8:15 am. Unless of course you have some ready to give me now, which I'll accept.
Jerry:
You want us to throw chocolates into your fishbowl?
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT, (resuming regular volume) Place the dark chocolates into the fish bowl gently. This is anique bowl made in Italy for the princess's favorite handmaid's daughter as a wedding gift. I bought it on ebay for $358.
Susan:
I think its ridiculous that you bought a $358 fish bowl for candy for your cube.
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT, (resuming regular volume) I think its ridiculous that you call The Henry Domain as a "Cube." The Henry Domain has many fineries which cost much more than $358, so please stop being silly.
Jerry:
Your the one who is silly Henry!
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT, (resuming regular volume) You are silly for not realizing my absolute brilliance in my plan. This ends my announcement. Please carry on with your foolish gossiping and chattering.
Fashion Critic at a Celebrity Murder Trial
INT - COURT HOUSE - Evening
Trisha Pardashian is on trial for the murder of her boy friend Lar Rinn.
Jill Fruche is a fashion critic and she is covering the trial.
Atfer the first day of trial, Jill is being interviewed by Ralph the Channel 9 News reporter.
Ralph:
Thanks Judy and Bob. As you said, I am here at the Court House for the trial of movie star, Trisha Pardashian for the murder of her movie star boyfriend Lar Rinn. I am here willl Jill Fruche, who is a fashion critic and actualy knows the defendant and the murder victim.
Ralph:
Jill, tell us what Trisha wore today.
Jill:
Trisha wore her famously indecent brand of clothing, Scarred Rose. She was decked out in a red lace blouse with a black leather bra under it. A black leather skirt with red lace hem. She wore red 5 inch heels.
Ralph:
What is your opinion of how she looked?
Jill:
She looked guilty, as I am sure she will be found because she always treated Lar badly like he was a tankini from last season that she could throw away, until he came into fashion again. Then she'd play with his emotions.
Ralph: (nervously)
What I mean is, how do you think she looked as far as fashion.
Jill:
Trisha meant for the little red rose on her hat to imply she felt grief or loss over sweet innocent Lar's death, but I think it was too gawdy and actually indicated she was a slut and hoping to find a new boy friend. In fact I thinks when she dropped her small clutch on the judge she was flirting with him.
Ralph:
Wouldn't it be better to let the jury decide if shes guilty?
Jill:
I know for sure shes guilty, and those badly dressed imbeciles in the jury box need to make sure that Trisha fries for murder.
Ralph:
How do you know she is guilty?
Jill:
Its so obvious by the way she struts along in those heels. What kind of woman grieving would where shoes like that and shake her butt like that?
Ralph:
What about the jury, hows their fashion?
Jill:
Those twelve rednecks were wearing cloths from last season at best and 10 to 15 years ago at worst. They wouldn't make it in the real world if they tried. And if they don't take into account that the murder weapon was in Trisha's handbag, they are worse than I had expected. I mean, come on, the evidence is so clear that Trisha had went to Lar's house, killed him with the turkey knife he keeps in the middle drawer, then she went home put the knife in her bag and got seriously drunk so that when the maid found her in the morning she'd have an alibi.
Ralph:
You seem to know a lot about the murder, and today is only the first day.
Jill:
I am just reading the evidence from the fashion, and I am very well equipt to read these folks because I've spent so much time at their parties being ignored as I sat in the corner. I know now they won't be ignoring me. Take that Trisha, you whore!
Ralph:
Wow, well this is Ralph covering the Trial of Trisha Pardashian, but if you ask me, we have the wrong woman on Trial. I think Jill is guilty based on her anger and jealousy and knowledge of the murder.
Jill:
Hey, you jerk, Do you want to end up like Lar? You better shut your yap. You dress like a farm hand.
Ralph:
Ack! Back to you Judy and Bob.
He runs away and she chases him.
Trisha Pardashian is on trial for the murder of her boy friend Lar Rinn.
Jill Fruche is a fashion critic and she is covering the trial.
Atfer the first day of trial, Jill is being interviewed by Ralph the Channel 9 News reporter.
Ralph:
Thanks Judy and Bob. As you said, I am here at the Court House for the trial of movie star, Trisha Pardashian for the murder of her movie star boyfriend Lar Rinn. I am here willl Jill Fruche, who is a fashion critic and actualy knows the defendant and the murder victim.
Ralph:
Jill, tell us what Trisha wore today.
Jill:
Trisha wore her famously indecent brand of clothing, Scarred Rose. She was decked out in a red lace blouse with a black leather bra under it. A black leather skirt with red lace hem. She wore red 5 inch heels.
Ralph:
What is your opinion of how she looked?
Jill:
She looked guilty, as I am sure she will be found because she always treated Lar badly like he was a tankini from last season that she could throw away, until he came into fashion again. Then she'd play with his emotions.
Ralph: (nervously)
What I mean is, how do you think she looked as far as fashion.
Jill:
Trisha meant for the little red rose on her hat to imply she felt grief or loss over sweet innocent Lar's death, but I think it was too gawdy and actually indicated she was a slut and hoping to find a new boy friend. In fact I thinks when she dropped her small clutch on the judge she was flirting with him.
Ralph:
Wouldn't it be better to let the jury decide if shes guilty?
Jill:
I know for sure shes guilty, and those badly dressed imbeciles in the jury box need to make sure that Trisha fries for murder.
Ralph:
How do you know she is guilty?
Jill:
Its so obvious by the way she struts along in those heels. What kind of woman grieving would where shoes like that and shake her butt like that?
Ralph:
What about the jury, hows their fashion?
Jill:
Those twelve rednecks were wearing cloths from last season at best and 10 to 15 years ago at worst. They wouldn't make it in the real world if they tried. And if they don't take into account that the murder weapon was in Trisha's handbag, they are worse than I had expected. I mean, come on, the evidence is so clear that Trisha had went to Lar's house, killed him with the turkey knife he keeps in the middle drawer, then she went home put the knife in her bag and got seriously drunk so that when the maid found her in the morning she'd have an alibi.
Ralph:
You seem to know a lot about the murder, and today is only the first day.
Jill:
I am just reading the evidence from the fashion, and I am very well equipt to read these folks because I've spent so much time at their parties being ignored as I sat in the corner. I know now they won't be ignoring me. Take that Trisha, you whore!
Ralph:
Wow, well this is Ralph covering the Trial of Trisha Pardashian, but if you ask me, we have the wrong woman on Trial. I think Jill is guilty based on her anger and jealousy and knowledge of the murder.
Jill:
Hey, you jerk, Do you want to end up like Lar? You better shut your yap. You dress like a farm hand.
Ralph:
Ack! Back to you Judy and Bob.
He runs away and she chases him.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
The Moody Blues
INT - STUDIO RECORDING BOOTH in the mid 60's - LATE NIGHT
Sam, Joe, Henry, three musicians in their 20's with tie dye shirts, long beards, long hair. They just finished recording their first album.
Their manager comes in in a huff wearing a white satin suit.
Manager: Great album guys. Sounded great, but we have a bigger problem. The name we choose "The Moody Blues," is taken by another band. They are pretty popular so we can't use the same name or anything similar or we could get sued.
Sam: No way dude, they stole our name.
Manager: Well, no need to dwell on it. We need to find a new name.
Joe: How about "Blue Moods?"
Henry: Or even "Moods of Blue?"
Sam: How about "Blue Moody?"
Manager: Like I said I think we should try to pick something far from our original name to avoid a law suit.
Henry: Oh I see, so something really different.
Joe: Ohhh. I got it now.
Sam: Ok ok, how about "Blue Thoughts and Moods."
Joe: Or "Thoughts of Moodiness in Shades of Blue."
Henry: Ohh thats good, but whats even better is, "Feeling Blue, and Moody"
Manager: No guys, you are missing what I am saying. I am telling you that we need to drop the words, Moody and Blues. We need a totaly different direction. We don't want to get sued and pay millions of dollars.
Joe: Oh shoot, we were coming up with things that still were similar.
Henry: Ohh, I got you, we need to avoid Moody and Blues. I see.
Sam: Oh man, I feel so foolish making that mistake. I have one thats completely different: "Lying on the Couch with the Moody Blues."
Henry: Yeah, thats brilliant. I know, how about, "Sitting in a bathtub drinking my Moody Blues away"!
Joe: We are really on a roll, how about, "Hoping to die on the Moody Blue planet."
Henry: Thats the best so far!
Manager: You guys are idiots and I quit. (Leaves)
Joe: Gezz, he sure is moody.
Henry: He's got a bad case of the moody blues. Let's write a song about it called Nights in White Satin.
Sam, Joe, Henry, three musicians in their 20's with tie dye shirts, long beards, long hair. They just finished recording their first album.
Their manager comes in in a huff wearing a white satin suit.
Manager: Great album guys. Sounded great, but we have a bigger problem. The name we choose "The Moody Blues," is taken by another band. They are pretty popular so we can't use the same name or anything similar or we could get sued.
Sam: No way dude, they stole our name.
Manager: Well, no need to dwell on it. We need to find a new name.
Joe: How about "Blue Moods?"
Henry: Or even "Moods of Blue?"
Sam: How about "Blue Moody?"
Manager: Like I said I think we should try to pick something far from our original name to avoid a law suit.
Henry: Oh I see, so something really different.
Joe: Ohhh. I got it now.
Sam: Ok ok, how about "Blue Thoughts and Moods."
Joe: Or "Thoughts of Moodiness in Shades of Blue."
Henry: Ohh thats good, but whats even better is, "Feeling Blue, and Moody"
Manager: No guys, you are missing what I am saying. I am telling you that we need to drop the words, Moody and Blues. We need a totaly different direction. We don't want to get sued and pay millions of dollars.
Joe: Oh shoot, we were coming up with things that still were similar.
Henry: Ohh, I got you, we need to avoid Moody and Blues. I see.
Sam: Oh man, I feel so foolish making that mistake. I have one thats completely different: "Lying on the Couch with the Moody Blues."
Henry: Yeah, thats brilliant. I know, how about, "Sitting in a bathtub drinking my Moody Blues away"!
Joe: We are really on a roll, how about, "Hoping to die on the Moody Blue planet."
Henry: Thats the best so far!
Manager: You guys are idiots and I quit. (Leaves)
Joe: Gezz, he sure is moody.
Henry: He's got a bad case of the moody blues. Let's write a song about it called Nights in White Satin.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Bathroom Confession
Int - Bathroom - night
Woman is washing her hands when she hears a voice out side the door.
Man: dear, I am so sorry to do this to you when you are in the bathroom in our favorite Irish pub, but I need to get this off my chest.
She looks worried into the mirror.
Man: I am cheating in you, and I feel terrible.
She grasps the sink and stares into the mirror with panic.
Man: I feel like we aren't connecting and I met Judy at a bar and she made me feel special again.
Woman starts to cry.
Man: lately we haven't made love and I cry at night and you don't seem to notice.
Woman sobs.
Man: you dont even look at me an more.
Woman takes a deep breath and opens the door. She and the man look at eachother.
Man: Sorry, Ummm, hmm, guess this was the wrong bathroom.
Woman is washing her hands when she hears a voice out side the door.
Man: dear, I am so sorry to do this to you when you are in the bathroom in our favorite Irish pub, but I need to get this off my chest.
She looks worried into the mirror.
Man: I am cheating in you, and I feel terrible.
She grasps the sink and stares into the mirror with panic.
Man: I feel like we aren't connecting and I met Judy at a bar and she made me feel special again.
Woman starts to cry.
Man: lately we haven't made love and I cry at night and you don't seem to notice.
Woman sobs.
Man: you dont even look at me an more.
Woman takes a deep breath and opens the door. She and the man look at eachother.
Man: Sorry, Ummm, hmm, guess this was the wrong bathroom.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
The Man with all the Trophies
EXT - house - DAY
Janice - 30 year old woman.
Lucy - 40 year old woman.
Frank - 40 year old man.
Janice and Lucy walk up the front door of Frank's house after noticing him moving in yesterday. They knock.
Lucy:
Your husband tried to hit on me again, Janice.
Janice:
I am so sorry, Lucy. I wish I could find a way of telling him he is an ass.
Lucy:
Me too.
The door opens.
Janice:
Hello, my name is Janice, This is Lucy. We are your neighbors and I'd like to welcome you the neighborhood.
Frank:
Thank you. Do you want to come in? Its still messy, but its getting there.
Janice:
Sure.
They come in to the house. There are a few boxes sitting around on the floor but most of the house seems put together. The furnature is set up.
Then they walk ito the living room from the hall way. All the walls are covered in trophies. Each trophy is indicates the owner is the first place. Each trophy has a different activity frozen in gold.
One has a man perminatly frozen with a bowling ball suspended behind him. Another shows a fly fisher man casting his line. Another shows a man giving a speech.
The women go up to each one examining them. For a long time they just go one by one speechless.
Lucy:
Wow. You are quite something. I am amazed.
Janice:
Yes. How in the world do you do it.
Frank:
Well, I am a trophy designer and so I am very proud of each of my designs.
The women consider and nod.
Janice:
Can you make a trophy of anything?
Frank:
Yes, I often make them for friends for free.
The women consider and nod.
Janice:
Can you make me one for being first place cook at Springfield Cook off?
Frank:
Yes, of course!
Lucy:
I want one for being first place for Miss Springfield.
Frank:
Sure.
Janice:
I want one for my husband too. Can you do that?
Frank:
No problem. What do you want it to be for?
Janice:
First place Ass.
Janice - 30 year old woman.
Lucy - 40 year old woman.
Frank - 40 year old man.
Janice and Lucy walk up the front door of Frank's house after noticing him moving in yesterday. They knock.
Lucy:
Your husband tried to hit on me again, Janice.
Janice:
I am so sorry, Lucy. I wish I could find a way of telling him he is an ass.
Lucy:
Me too.
The door opens.
Janice:
Hello, my name is Janice, This is Lucy. We are your neighbors and I'd like to welcome you the neighborhood.
Frank:
Thank you. Do you want to come in? Its still messy, but its getting there.
Janice:
Sure.
They come in to the house. There are a few boxes sitting around on the floor but most of the house seems put together. The furnature is set up.
Then they walk ito the living room from the hall way. All the walls are covered in trophies. Each trophy is indicates the owner is the first place. Each trophy has a different activity frozen in gold.
One has a man perminatly frozen with a bowling ball suspended behind him. Another shows a fly fisher man casting his line. Another shows a man giving a speech.
The women go up to each one examining them. For a long time they just go one by one speechless.
Lucy:
Wow. You are quite something. I am amazed.
Janice:
Yes. How in the world do you do it.
Frank:
Well, I am a trophy designer and so I am very proud of each of my designs.
The women consider and nod.
Janice:
Can you make a trophy of anything?
Frank:
Yes, I often make them for friends for free.
The women consider and nod.
Janice:
Can you make me one for being first place cook at Springfield Cook off?
Frank:
Yes, of course!
Lucy:
I want one for being first place for Miss Springfield.
Frank:
Sure.
Janice:
I want one for my husband too. Can you do that?
Frank:
No problem. What do you want it to be for?
Janice:
First place Ass.
Friday, September 23, 2011
What is a man's weight without his blackberry?
INT - DOCTORS OFFICE - DAY
Nurse in her late 40's.
Patient in his late 40's holding his blackberry.
Nurse:
Your pulse sounds good. Now we need to get your weight.
Patient gets on scale.
Nurse: To get an accurate reading I need you to empty you pockets and put down things in your hands.
Patient: Oh sure.
Patient takes keys, wallet, and a handful of coins out of his pockets. He continues to hold his blackberry.
Nurse: Great, now just put down things in your hands so we can get an accurate reading.
Patient: (Confused) Well I've put everything down.
Nurse: Yes, but you didn't set down your cell phone, sir.
Patient: Oh, well we can just continue with me holding it, right?
Nurse: Actually sir, seeing as you are pre-diabetic, we need a really accurate reading, so I need you to set the phone down for 30 seconds while we weigh you.
Patient: Well, I think that’s a reasonable request, but instead can you just maybe subtract a pound for the phone?
Nurse: I don’t know the exact weight of the phone, so I can't. Just set the phone down for a moment.
Patient looks at the phone and at the nurse and back at the phone and slowly shakes his head.
Nurse: Sir, the doctor has a lot of other patients to see today, we need to get your weight so we can move on.
Patient: Ok how about this, take my last weight for 6 months ago and just add 10 pounds!
Nurse: That’s ridiculous! Do you even care about your health?
Patient: I think you are being very insensitive. How can you call yourselves a caring establishment.
Nurse: That’s it, I am going to get Doctor Yurik right now.
She leaves.
Patient does some poking on his blackberry.
Nurse comes back a minute later with the doctor who is looking at his blackberry.
Nurse: Doctor, can you ask Mr. Johnson to step onto the scale without his cell phone so we can get an accurate reading?
Doctor: (Looking up from his cell phone) Taking a man's weight without his blackberry? Your crazy, Nurse!
Nurse in her late 40's.
Patient in his late 40's holding his blackberry.
Nurse:
Your pulse sounds good. Now we need to get your weight.
Patient gets on scale.
Nurse: To get an accurate reading I need you to empty you pockets and put down things in your hands.
Patient: Oh sure.
Patient takes keys, wallet, and a handful of coins out of his pockets. He continues to hold his blackberry.
Nurse: Great, now just put down things in your hands so we can get an accurate reading.
Patient: (Confused) Well I've put everything down.
Nurse: Yes, but you didn't set down your cell phone, sir.
Patient: Oh, well we can just continue with me holding it, right?
Nurse: Actually sir, seeing as you are pre-diabetic, we need a really accurate reading, so I need you to set the phone down for 30 seconds while we weigh you.
Patient: Well, I think that’s a reasonable request, but instead can you just maybe subtract a pound for the phone?
Nurse: I don’t know the exact weight of the phone, so I can't. Just set the phone down for a moment.
Patient looks at the phone and at the nurse and back at the phone and slowly shakes his head.
Nurse: Sir, the doctor has a lot of other patients to see today, we need to get your weight so we can move on.
Patient: Ok how about this, take my last weight for 6 months ago and just add 10 pounds!
Nurse: That’s ridiculous! Do you even care about your health?
Patient: I think you are being very insensitive. How can you call yourselves a caring establishment.
Nurse: That’s it, I am going to get Doctor Yurik right now.
She leaves.
Patient does some poking on his blackberry.
Nurse comes back a minute later with the doctor who is looking at his blackberry.
Nurse: Doctor, can you ask Mr. Johnson to step onto the scale without his cell phone so we can get an accurate reading?
Doctor: (Looking up from his cell phone) Taking a man's weight without his blackberry? Your crazy, Nurse!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
How to be a good dad
EXT - PARK BENCH - SUNSET
DAD - in his 60's
SON - in his 40's
DAD:
Lovely evening
SON:
It would have been nice to have sat with you like this when I was 10 instead now that I am 40
DAD:
Yes it would have been nice, and I am making up for it now.
SON:
You are making up for it now. Today was the best day of my life.
DAD:
It was the best day of your life. We went to the fair.
SON:
The fair and road all the rides.
DAD:
All the rides and walked thru all the haunted houses.
SON:
And ate 5 hot dogs
DAD:
And 2 sticks of Cotton Candy
SON:
Your the best dad ever. Thank you
DAD:
I am the best dad ever, and your the best son ever.
SON:
If I had known the fair was so fun I'd have taken my four boys with us.
DAD:
They wont appreciate it. Wait till their 40
SON:
You are right, Dad, I'll follow your example and ignore them till they are 40.
DAD:
Good job, Son. Now lets go play night time paint ball.
DAD - in his 60's
SON - in his 40's
DAD:
Lovely evening
SON:
It would have been nice to have sat with you like this when I was 10 instead now that I am 40
DAD:
Yes it would have been nice, and I am making up for it now.
SON:
You are making up for it now. Today was the best day of my life.
DAD:
It was the best day of your life. We went to the fair.
SON:
The fair and road all the rides.
DAD:
All the rides and walked thru all the haunted houses.
SON:
And ate 5 hot dogs
DAD:
And 2 sticks of Cotton Candy
SON:
Your the best dad ever. Thank you
DAD:
I am the best dad ever, and your the best son ever.
SON:
If I had known the fair was so fun I'd have taken my four boys with us.
DAD:
They wont appreciate it. Wait till their 40
SON:
You are right, Dad, I'll follow your example and ignore them till they are 40.
DAD:
Good job, Son. Now lets go play night time paint ball.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Unique
EXT - STARBUCKS - SUNSET
Unique
Janet: (in Valley Girl accent) All the other little tables are taken. Can I sit here? I won't be long my boyfriend is coming to pick me up.
Janelle: (in identical Valley Girl accent) Yes, sure, I am only here for a few minutes too because my boyfriend is coming to pick me up.
Janet: I couldn't help but notice, your red dress is so cute!
Janelle: I was about to mention that your, your red dress is so cute too. Where did you get it?
Janet: Macy, what about you?
Janelle: Macys, size 5, what about you?
Janet: Yes, size 5 and what about your adorable red pumps?
Janelle: Nine West, where did you get your sweet red pumps?
Janet: Nine West too. And your Louis Vuitton is amazing.
Janelle: I love your Louis Vuitton also. Don't you just love being unique?
Janet: Soo much, by the way, your asymetical hair cut with the half red and half blonde hair dye job is so unique. Who did it for you?
Janelle: Daniel Snyder of Snyder's Unique Hair
Janet: Oh my gosh, he did my asymetical hair cut with the half red and half blonde hair dye job last week too!
Janelle: Yes it looks amazing. In fact here comes Daniel now.
Janet & Janelle at the same time: (to Daniel ) Hi my dear boyfriend!
Janet & Janelle look at each other in shock.
Unique
Janet: (in Valley Girl accent) All the other little tables are taken. Can I sit here? I won't be long my boyfriend is coming to pick me up.
Janelle: (in identical Valley Girl accent) Yes, sure, I am only here for a few minutes too because my boyfriend is coming to pick me up.
Janet: I couldn't help but notice, your red dress is so cute!
Janelle: I was about to mention that your, your red dress is so cute too. Where did you get it?
Janet: Macy, what about you?
Janelle: Macys, size 5, what about you?
Janet: Yes, size 5 and what about your adorable red pumps?
Janelle: Nine West, where did you get your sweet red pumps?
Janet: Nine West too. And your Louis Vuitton is amazing.
Janelle: I love your Louis Vuitton also. Don't you just love being unique?
Janet: Soo much, by the way, your asymetical hair cut with the half red and half blonde hair dye job is so unique. Who did it for you?
Janelle: Daniel Snyder of Snyder's Unique Hair
Janet: Oh my gosh, he did my asymetical hair cut with the half red and half blonde hair dye job last week too!
Janelle: Yes it looks amazing. In fact here comes Daniel now.
Janet & Janelle at the same time: (to Daniel ) Hi my dear boyfriend!
Janet & Janelle look at each other in shock.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Using Him For Her Own Gain
EXT - POOL SIDE at HOTEL in MIAMI - DAY
Francesca, 56 year old woman, slightly overweight in a red bikini. Short died red hair.
Juan , 23 year old competitive swimmer, in a red Speedo.
They are sitting on the chairs next to each other in the hot mid day sun.
JUAN :
Mom, most of my fellow swimming competitor's parents aren't as supportive as you are.
FRANCESCA:
You are my only son, I wouldn't miss this for the world.
JUAN:
Yes, you wouldn't miss this for the world and accompanying me during all my leisure time too.
FRANCESCA:
Yes, I wouldn't miss your leisure time, and learning about the girls you might be interested in.
JUAN:
Yes, learning about the girls, and chasing them away
FRANCESCA:
Yes, chasing them away because none of them are good enough for you, Juan.
JUAN:
Yes, none of them are good enough for me, and if I waited for the "good enough" girl I'll be single for ever
FRANCESCA:
Yes and if you are single forever you'll have lots of time for your old mother.
JUAN:
Yes, lots of time with you and swimming.
FRANCESCA:
Yes, Swimming and time together doing things like baking, flower arranging, playing bridge.
JUAN:
Yes, baking, playing bridge, and getting old and wasting my good looks.
FRANCESCA:
Yes, wasting your good looks and being my arm candy at my social events.
JUAN:
Yes, being arm candy at your social events and getting hit on by old women.
FRANCESCA:
Yes being hit on by old women and dating them in order to help me get a seat on the City Center Flower Committee.
JUAN:
Yes, you just are trying to use me to get a seat at the City Center Flower Committee and then throwing me away.
FRANCESCA:
Yes, throwing you out and then you can find some trashy woman who won't respect you but just use you for her own gain!
JUAN:
Yes, using me for her own gain and my own!
Francesca, 56 year old woman, slightly overweight in a red bikini. Short died red hair.
Juan , 23 year old competitive swimmer, in a red Speedo.
They are sitting on the chairs next to each other in the hot mid day sun.
JUAN :
Mom, most of my fellow swimming competitor's parents aren't as supportive as you are.
FRANCESCA:
You are my only son, I wouldn't miss this for the world.
JUAN:
Yes, you wouldn't miss this for the world and accompanying me during all my leisure time too.
FRANCESCA:
Yes, I wouldn't miss your leisure time, and learning about the girls you might be interested in.
JUAN:
Yes, learning about the girls, and chasing them away
FRANCESCA:
Yes, chasing them away because none of them are good enough for you, Juan.
JUAN:
Yes, none of them are good enough for me, and if I waited for the "good enough" girl I'll be single for ever
FRANCESCA:
Yes and if you are single forever you'll have lots of time for your old mother.
JUAN:
Yes, lots of time with you and swimming.
FRANCESCA:
Yes, Swimming and time together doing things like baking, flower arranging, playing bridge.
JUAN:
Yes, baking, playing bridge, and getting old and wasting my good looks.
FRANCESCA:
Yes, wasting your good looks and being my arm candy at my social events.
JUAN:
Yes, being arm candy at your social events and getting hit on by old women.
FRANCESCA:
Yes being hit on by old women and dating them in order to help me get a seat on the City Center Flower Committee.
JUAN:
Yes, you just are trying to use me to get a seat at the City Center Flower Committee and then throwing me away.
FRANCESCA:
Yes, throwing you out and then you can find some trashy woman who won't respect you but just use you for her own gain!
JUAN:
Yes, using me for her own gain and my own!
Monday, September 19, 2011
A Husband's Best Friend, Roxy
INT - TEA HOUSE - NIGHT
Luke, is in his late 60.
Ted, Luke's son, is in his early 30s.
Roxy, is Ted's wife, also in her early 30's.
They are all smiling and relaxed as they sit around a small table in the small quiet tea house. There are no other customers in the tea house.
Ted: Dad, speaking of Spot, we are thinking of getting a new puppy for ourselves.
Roxy: But I don't want one because I want Ted all to myself. I think I'd get really jealous if a dog was loving on Ted.
Luke: You don't need a dog. You both seem perfectly happy with each other.
Roxy: Yeah, we are pretty busy. In fact last week I got my rabies vaccine before I went to work. I remember because I was in a marketing strategy meeting and the spot was itchy, so I kept scratching at it.
Luke: Ha, I had to take Spot to the vet because he kept scratching after I got him vaccinated too.
Ted gives Luke, his dad, an offended look.
Roxy doesn't notice the tension between dad and son.
Roxy: The only thing that kept me from nawing off my arm, was my boss, Susan, gave me a treat.
Luke: Spot always wants a treat too.
Ted: Dad.
Roxy: So after our meeting, Karen and I went for a walk outside around the building just to work off some of the energy.
Luke: Spot loves going for a walk
Ted: Dad!
Roxy continues not noticing Teds annoyance at his father.
Roxy: Last Saturday I played frisbee in the park with Hanna then we ate steaks.
Luke: Spot loves playing frisbee in the park followed by a steak.
Ted: Dad, thats enough.
Luke: I think you should recognize the fact that Roxy has some dog like habits.
Roxy puts her head on the table and covers her eyes with her hands and whipmers.
Ted: Dad, leave her alone. She's just insecure because I was talking about getting a dog and she doesn't want to share me. Roxy, why don't we go outside and run around.
Roxy peaks out from behind her hands and smiles. She licks Ted on the check. He puts a collar around her neck and they walk outside leaving Luke.
Luke sitting alone shaking his head.
Luke: (to himself) Thank goodness he house broke her.
Luke, is in his late 60.
Ted, Luke's son, is in his early 30s.
Roxy, is Ted's wife, also in her early 30's.
They are all smiling and relaxed as they sit around a small table in the small quiet tea house. There are no other customers in the tea house.
Ted: Dad, speaking of Spot, we are thinking of getting a new puppy for ourselves.
Roxy: But I don't want one because I want Ted all to myself. I think I'd get really jealous if a dog was loving on Ted.
Luke: You don't need a dog. You both seem perfectly happy with each other.
Roxy: Yeah, we are pretty busy. In fact last week I got my rabies vaccine before I went to work. I remember because I was in a marketing strategy meeting and the spot was itchy, so I kept scratching at it.
Luke: Ha, I had to take Spot to the vet because he kept scratching after I got him vaccinated too.
Ted gives Luke, his dad, an offended look.
Roxy doesn't notice the tension between dad and son.
Roxy: The only thing that kept me from nawing off my arm, was my boss, Susan, gave me a treat.
Luke: Spot always wants a treat too.
Ted: Dad.
Roxy: So after our meeting, Karen and I went for a walk outside around the building just to work off some of the energy.
Luke: Spot loves going for a walk
Ted: Dad!
Roxy continues not noticing Teds annoyance at his father.
Roxy: Last Saturday I played frisbee in the park with Hanna then we ate steaks.
Luke: Spot loves playing frisbee in the park followed by a steak.
Ted: Dad, thats enough.
Luke: I think you should recognize the fact that Roxy has some dog like habits.
Roxy puts her head on the table and covers her eyes with her hands and whipmers.
Ted: Dad, leave her alone. She's just insecure because I was talking about getting a dog and she doesn't want to share me. Roxy, why don't we go outside and run around.
Roxy peaks out from behind her hands and smiles. She licks Ted on the check. He puts a collar around her neck and they walk outside leaving Luke.
Luke sitting alone shaking his head.
Luke: (to himself) Thank goodness he house broke her.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
What have you run lately?
Int -coffee house - day
Person one: I'm ran a fun run and I got sticker.
Person two: I ran 5K and I ran I got a T-shirt.
Person three: I ran a 10k and I got a metal.
Person four: I ran a marathon and I got a trophy.
Person five: I ran a red light and I got a ticket.
Person one: I'm ran a fun run and I got sticker.
Person two: I ran 5K and I ran I got a T-shirt.
Person three: I ran a 10k and I got a metal.
Person four: I ran a marathon and I got a trophy.
Person five: I ran a red light and I got a ticket.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Check In Your Husband at IKEA Manland
INT - MAN LAND IKEA - DAY
Trish and Mark walk into the IKEA. They are both in their mid 30's.
Mark is dressed in kahkis and a blue shirt. Trish is wearing a blue plaid dress.
Trish: Mark, here is Manland, you stay here while I go shopping for a rug to match our Microsoft KENIX. Heres your iphone, Ipad, and ipod incase you get board. Make some friends.
Mark: Yay! I am so excited to play with my friends.
The lady at the check in at Manland stands behind a little counter. Her name badge says Karen.
Karen: Check-in one male?
Trish: Yes
Karen: Name?
Trish: Mark Snill
Karen: Any alergies or illnesses?
Trish: no Peanuts.
Karen: Heres your buzzer. If you try to leave the store without returning this buzzer and picking him up,it will buzz when you leave the store.
Trish: Excellent. Thanks. (to Mark) OK, you ready to go play?
Mark: Yeah! When are you coming back to pick me up?
Trish: 30 minutes, so don't play any long games.
Mark goes into ManLand and Trish walks away.
Trish: (to herself) now life is perfect.
Trish and Mark walk into the IKEA. They are both in their mid 30's.
Mark is dressed in kahkis and a blue shirt. Trish is wearing a blue plaid dress.
Trish: Mark, here is Manland, you stay here while I go shopping for a rug to match our Microsoft KENIX. Heres your iphone, Ipad, and ipod incase you get board. Make some friends.
Mark: Yay! I am so excited to play with my friends.
The lady at the check in at Manland stands behind a little counter. Her name badge says Karen.
Karen: Check-in one male?
Trish: Yes
Karen: Name?
Trish: Mark Snill
Karen: Any alergies or illnesses?
Trish: no Peanuts.
Karen: Heres your buzzer. If you try to leave the store without returning this buzzer and picking him up,it will buzz when you leave the store.
Trish: Excellent. Thanks. (to Mark) OK, you ready to go play?
Mark: Yeah! When are you coming back to pick me up?
Trish: 30 minutes, so don't play any long games.
Mark goes into ManLand and Trish walks away.
Trish: (to herself) now life is perfect.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Lawyer in a Mini Skirt Suit on a Skate Board
EXT - SIDEWALK ON WALLSTREET NYC - DAY
Ruth and Jennifer are 35 year old criminal defendant lawyers at a high priced law firm. They are both wearing dark blue mini skirt suits with pin stripes. Ruth has long black hair pulled back in a pony tail. Jennifer has short bleach blond hair. Both are very beautiful and walk confidently down the street in their high heel shoes.
Ruth: When the judge threw out my last evidence, I thought I was going to loose my cool. I am so glad you were free to go for a walk.
Jennifer: No problem. Remember we used to walk together all the time when we were kids.
Ruth: As I remember, we skate boarded.
Jennifer points at two teen age boys with skateboards.
Jennifer: True, look, those boys have nice boards.
Ruth: Lets go ask them if we can borrow them.
Jennifer: And skate board with our heels?
Ruth: Lets try it. (to the boys) can we borrow your boards for a few minutes?
Boy 1: For real?
The boys look at each other.
Boy 2: 50 bucks for 10 minutes.
Ruth: 10 bucks for 20 minutes..
Boy 1: 20 bucks for 20 minutes
Ruth: Deal
She gives him 20 and they take the boards.
They start skating down the street. everyone they pass stares at them.
Jennifer: This is amazing. I haven't felt this free in years.
Ruth: I never want to go back to an office.
They skate down wallstreet and up. Men in suits on their cellphones stop and stare. Women drop their jaws open in shock. Cars almost crash.
Finally a police man starts chasing them.
Police Man: What the hell are you two women doing on skate boards?
Ruth: I am a lawyer and I know its not against the law, so whats the basis for your questions?
Police Man: You've got to be kidding me. A lawyer in a mini skirt suit on a skate board? Get off the board now.
Jennifer: She's right. Theres nothing illegal so whats your problem?
Police Man: (into his radio) I need backup. I've got a code 362436.
Radio: No way, thats the third lawyer in a mini skirt suit on a skate board today, Joe.
A few minutes later the women are put into the back of a police car.
The cop leans over as he puts them in.
Police Man: Next time you'll think twice before you skate while in a mini skit suit while being a lawyer.
The boys stand near by and hear what they say.
Boy 1: (to boy 2 in a whisper) Thats a warning to us too. We've got to stay on the straight and narrow. Don't even think about becoming a lawyer and skating in a mini skirt suit.
Ruth and Jennifer are 35 year old criminal defendant lawyers at a high priced law firm. They are both wearing dark blue mini skirt suits with pin stripes. Ruth has long black hair pulled back in a pony tail. Jennifer has short bleach blond hair. Both are very beautiful and walk confidently down the street in their high heel shoes.
Ruth: When the judge threw out my last evidence, I thought I was going to loose my cool. I am so glad you were free to go for a walk.
Jennifer: No problem. Remember we used to walk together all the time when we were kids.
Ruth: As I remember, we skate boarded.
Jennifer points at two teen age boys with skateboards.
Jennifer: True, look, those boys have nice boards.
Ruth: Lets go ask them if we can borrow them.
Jennifer: And skate board with our heels?
Ruth: Lets try it. (to the boys) can we borrow your boards for a few minutes?
Boy 1: For real?
The boys look at each other.
Boy 2: 50 bucks for 10 minutes.
Ruth: 10 bucks for 20 minutes..
Boy 1: 20 bucks for 20 minutes
Ruth: Deal
She gives him 20 and they take the boards.
They start skating down the street. everyone they pass stares at them.
Jennifer: This is amazing. I haven't felt this free in years.
Ruth: I never want to go back to an office.
They skate down wallstreet and up. Men in suits on their cellphones stop and stare. Women drop their jaws open in shock. Cars almost crash.
Finally a police man starts chasing them.
Police Man: What the hell are you two women doing on skate boards?
Ruth: I am a lawyer and I know its not against the law, so whats the basis for your questions?
Police Man: You've got to be kidding me. A lawyer in a mini skirt suit on a skate board? Get off the board now.
Jennifer: She's right. Theres nothing illegal so whats your problem?
Police Man: (into his radio) I need backup. I've got a code 362436.
Radio: No way, thats the third lawyer in a mini skirt suit on a skate board today, Joe.
A few minutes later the women are put into the back of a police car.
The cop leans over as he puts them in.
Police Man: Next time you'll think twice before you skate while in a mini skit suit while being a lawyer.
The boys stand near by and hear what they say.
Boy 1: (to boy 2 in a whisper) Thats a warning to us too. We've got to stay on the straight and narrow. Don't even think about becoming a lawyer and skating in a mini skirt suit.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
The No Complaining Bet
INT – restaurant – day
Bob short fat man with a bow tie and a white shirt
Samuel, tall thin man in high fashion black suit
Bob: I am so tired of eating at this diner. we come here on the all the time and the food is so boring and bland.
Samuel: we don't have to come here
Bob: well if John didn't have that meeting right at 1 PM and every single day maybe we could go somewhere else.
Samuel: that's it!! I give up! you complain about everything. I think what you need to do is take a vow that you will not complain next 21 days.
Bob: that's easy!!
Samuel: I bet you five free lunches that you cannot do it on
Bob: deal
They shake
The waitress brings them their food.
Bob looks at his food and sees that he doesn't have as many fries off as Samuel.
Bob: hey, I don't , oops never mind
Samuel: ha, can't complain!
Bob: I am going to win, I always win bets!
Samuel: oh by the way, I got a promotion. So I'll be your new boss.
Bob: no way! That's totally unfair! I was next up for promotion!
Samuel: by the way, I didn't really get promoted
Bob: very funny
Samuel: but I got the next best thing, five free lunches!
Bob:oh, you play dirty, well last week I spit in your coffee , so I hope you enjoy you meals.
Bob short fat man with a bow tie and a white shirt
Samuel, tall thin man in high fashion black suit
Bob: I am so tired of eating at this diner. we come here on the all the time and the food is so boring and bland.
Samuel: we don't have to come here
Bob: well if John didn't have that meeting right at 1 PM and every single day maybe we could go somewhere else.
Samuel: that's it!! I give up! you complain about everything. I think what you need to do is take a vow that you will not complain next 21 days.
Bob: that's easy!!
Samuel: I bet you five free lunches that you cannot do it on
Bob: deal
They shake
The waitress brings them their food.
Bob looks at his food and sees that he doesn't have as many fries off as Samuel.
Bob: hey, I don't , oops never mind
Samuel: ha, can't complain!
Bob: I am going to win, I always win bets!
Samuel: oh by the way, I got a promotion. So I'll be your new boss.
Bob: no way! That's totally unfair! I was next up for promotion!
Samuel: by the way, I didn't really get promoted
Bob: very funny
Samuel: but I got the next best thing, five free lunches!
Bob:oh, you play dirty, well last week I spit in your coffee , so I hope you enjoy you meals.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Doll to Prevent Premarital Sex
INT - LITTLE BOYS BEDROOM - DAY
Seven year old boy sits smiling on bed with a "My First Girlfriend" Life like doll.
Choris sings: My First, my First, my Very Very First Best Friend doll.
INT - LITTLE GIRLS BEDROOM - DAY
Little Girl sings: My First, my First My very very first boy friend doll.
Several girls hold the hands of a boy life like dolls and smile.
Little Boy sings: My First, my First My very very first Girl friend doll.
INT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
A little boy plays video games with a girl life like doll sitting next to him. He smiles at her.
INT - KITCHEN - DAY
Cut To boy sitting next to his doll at the table. He pulls her string from her neck. His mom is standing near by watching.
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: Hi my name is Mandy
boy smiles, he pulls the string again.
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: I am your new BFF
boy pulls the string again
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: Lets hold hands
he pulls the string again, he smiles
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: Lets make out behind the bleachers
he pulls the string again
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: Oh no, I am pregnant
he pulls the string again, he looks worried.
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: Oh look, its a baby girl! Lets name her Sandy
he pulls the string again, he looks terrified. Mom smiles.
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: Please get a job so we can buy diapers and formula.
He begins to cry. he pulls the string again
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: We can never go out because we have to take care of the baby.
The boy pushes the doll off the chair and starts to sob.
Boy: I never will have premaritial sex, Mom. I promise!
Mom: Good Boy!
Seven year old boy sits smiling on bed with a "My First Girlfriend" Life like doll.
Choris sings: My First, my First, my Very Very First Best Friend doll.
INT - LITTLE GIRLS BEDROOM - DAY
Little Girl sings: My First, my First My very very first boy friend doll.
Several girls hold the hands of a boy life like dolls and smile.
Little Boy sings: My First, my First My very very first Girl friend doll.
INT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
A little boy plays video games with a girl life like doll sitting next to him. He smiles at her.
INT - KITCHEN - DAY
Cut To boy sitting next to his doll at the table. He pulls her string from her neck. His mom is standing near by watching.
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: Hi my name is Mandy
boy smiles, he pulls the string again.
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: I am your new BFF
boy pulls the string again
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: Lets hold hands
he pulls the string again, he smiles
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: Lets make out behind the bleachers
he pulls the string again
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: Oh no, I am pregnant
he pulls the string again, he looks worried.
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: Oh look, its a baby girl! Lets name her Sandy
he pulls the string again, he looks terrified. Mom smiles.
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: Please get a job so we can buy diapers and formula.
He begins to cry. he pulls the string again
GIRLFRIEND DOLL: We can never go out because we have to take care of the baby.
The boy pushes the doll off the chair and starts to sob.
Boy: I never will have premaritial sex, Mom. I promise!
Mom: Good Boy!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Cheers to the joy of the Barren Womb
INT - ITALIAN BISTRO - NIGHT
Eight colleagues sit around to celebrate Linda's promotion from director to Executive director at their fortune 500 company.
Linda's husband, John, was a also invited. He works at a small company.
Sam: So the baby could split-up right on the teenager's face!
All the colleagues laugh at the joke.
Linda: Those baby jokes are so cute. I am glad they are replacing the Chuck Norris ones.
John: (still laughing) If Linda ever had a baby, it would be trying to cross the road by itself also.
Linda: John, (laughing embarrassedly), I wouldn't let a baby that I bore cross the road without me. goodness, you make me sound so illiterate about babies.
John: Oh Linda, come on, anytime a baby cries around you break out in hives and make up a reason to leave the room. You could never handle a baby.
Linda: (getting irritated) I love babies, John. Remember three years ago your friend Stan brought his baby over and I sat right across the room from them the whole time they were in the house. I didn't even run away.
John: You totally were sweating and clinging to the couch for their whole 20 minute visit. Stan asked me as he was leaving if you'd seen a ghost.
Linda: (to her coworkers who are sitting uncomfortably staring at the couple) I love kids, I am not just a work a holic.
John: I'd love to have a few kids. Take them fishing. Are you saying you are willing to have a baby?
Linda: Snap out of it, John, Listen to you! You are talking about KIDS. Those Little Monsters who keep you up all night and spit up on you. They take your energy and leave you with debt. You’re insane if you want to actually have one!
John: Gez, ok, I won't mention it again.
All the others at the table breath a sigh of and together they call for a toast,
Everyone except John: Cheers to the joy of the barren womb.
Eight colleagues sit around to celebrate Linda's promotion from director to Executive director at their fortune 500 company.
Linda's husband, John, was a also invited. He works at a small company.
Sam: So the baby could split-up right on the teenager's face!
All the colleagues laugh at the joke.
Linda: Those baby jokes are so cute. I am glad they are replacing the Chuck Norris ones.
John: (still laughing) If Linda ever had a baby, it would be trying to cross the road by itself also.
Linda: John, (laughing embarrassedly), I wouldn't let a baby that I bore cross the road without me. goodness, you make me sound so illiterate about babies.
John: Oh Linda, come on, anytime a baby cries around you break out in hives and make up a reason to leave the room. You could never handle a baby.
Linda: (getting irritated) I love babies, John. Remember three years ago your friend Stan brought his baby over and I sat right across the room from them the whole time they were in the house. I didn't even run away.
John: You totally were sweating and clinging to the couch for their whole 20 minute visit. Stan asked me as he was leaving if you'd seen a ghost.
Linda: (to her coworkers who are sitting uncomfortably staring at the couple) I love kids, I am not just a work a holic.
John: I'd love to have a few kids. Take them fishing. Are you saying you are willing to have a baby?
Linda: Snap out of it, John, Listen to you! You are talking about KIDS. Those Little Monsters who keep you up all night and spit up on you. They take your energy and leave you with debt. You’re insane if you want to actually have one!
John: Gez, ok, I won't mention it again.
All the others at the table breath a sigh of and together they call for a toast,
Everyone except John: Cheers to the joy of the barren womb.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Yoga vs Couch Potato
Yoga vs Couch Potato
INT - LIVING ROOM- DAY
Diane, a very thin woman in her late 30s wearing yoga pants and a yogo shirt does downward dog on yoga mat in front of the TV.
Lisa, a tubby 14 year old girl wearing baggy pants and t-shirt, sits on the couch eating a bowl of ice cream with extra marshmallows and chocolate syrup.
On the wall there is a plaque that reads, "Diane Roth, Fitness Coach of the Year"
Lisa is smiling as she enjoys her ice cream. Diane is moaning in pain from her yoga.
DIANE: Lisa, why don't you come down here and exercise with me.
LISA: I'd rather eat broccoli than put my butt in the air and wave it around like you.
DIANE: Well I don't think you should sit there and just watch TV and play online all the time. Its not healthy for you.
LISA: I'd rather do drink aloe vera juice than quit watching TV and playing online.
DIANE: Now that is going too far. Aloe vera juice is too much money and not enough nutrition.
LISA: Mom, what if science is all wrong about whats good for us and whats bad?
DIANE: No way. Science is very clear on whats good for us and bad.
LISA: Mom, science used to think that worms sprung from dead animals spontaneously. They haven't got a clue.
DIANE: Don't be ridiculous. Science clearly knows what its talking about, like when it says that red wine is good for you.
Diane picks up her wine glass and slugs the red wine back.
LISA: Research is very conflicted on red wine.
DIANE: Next you'll be saying that coffee is bad for me.
LISA: Research is very conflicted on coffee also.
DIANE: Next you'll tell me that the research shows that eating ice cream is good for you.
LISA: Ice cream has calcium and only 170 calories. It's not as bad as you'd think.
DIANE: Move over and give me some of that. I am starved.
INT - LIVING ROOM- DAY
Diane, a very thin woman in her late 30s wearing yoga pants and a yogo shirt does downward dog on yoga mat in front of the TV.
Lisa, a tubby 14 year old girl wearing baggy pants and t-shirt, sits on the couch eating a bowl of ice cream with extra marshmallows and chocolate syrup.
On the wall there is a plaque that reads, "Diane Roth, Fitness Coach of the Year"
Lisa is smiling as she enjoys her ice cream. Diane is moaning in pain from her yoga.
DIANE: Lisa, why don't you come down here and exercise with me.
LISA: I'd rather eat broccoli than put my butt in the air and wave it around like you.
DIANE: Well I don't think you should sit there and just watch TV and play online all the time. Its not healthy for you.
LISA: I'd rather do drink aloe vera juice than quit watching TV and playing online.
DIANE: Now that is going too far. Aloe vera juice is too much money and not enough nutrition.
LISA: Mom, what if science is all wrong about whats good for us and whats bad?
DIANE: No way. Science is very clear on whats good for us and bad.
LISA: Mom, science used to think that worms sprung from dead animals spontaneously. They haven't got a clue.
DIANE: Don't be ridiculous. Science clearly knows what its talking about, like when it says that red wine is good for you.
Diane picks up her wine glass and slugs the red wine back.
LISA: Research is very conflicted on red wine.
DIANE: Next you'll be saying that coffee is bad for me.
LISA: Research is very conflicted on coffee also.
DIANE: Next you'll tell me that the research shows that eating ice cream is good for you.
LISA: Ice cream has calcium and only 170 calories. It's not as bad as you'd think.
DIANE: Move over and give me some of that. I am starved.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Does Kissing My Dad Count?
Does kissing my dad count?
INT - STARBUCkS - DAY
Saundra, 23, long wavy blonde and red streaked hair sophomore in a marketing undergraduate.
Tessi, 24, short brown hair, sophomore in the same marketing program.
They are studying together at Starbucks over ventis.
Saundra: (looking up from her calculous for business majors book) Oh my gosh, I forgot to tell you, Joe tried to kiss me on our first date last night!
Tessi: I never would have guess'd he'd try that. He's so shy.
Saundra: Yeah, I totally turned my cheek and thanked him for a lovely date.
Tessi: I would have kissed him.
Suandra: What? You kiss guys on the first date? I mean you don't want to kiss someone unless you are sure they are dedicated.
Tessi: Yes, most of the time.
Saundra: Gez, how many guys have you kissed?
Tessi: Oh boy, are you serious? You want me to remember that?
Saundra: No way, you can't even remember?
Tessi: How many have you kissed?
Saundra: Hmmm, four. But that doesn't include my dad
Tessi: Your dad?
Saundra: Not with my dad included, four. But with my dad, and my brother, and my grandpa,... and my uncles, thats a lot more.
Tessi: (shocked) How much kissing does your family do?
Saundra: Everyday.
Tessi: Oh my Gosh thats gross.
At that moment three good looking men walk into the Starbucks and walk by them. Tessi is distracted by them for a moment. Then Saundra who notices them jumps up and runs over to them.
She kisses each of them on the mouth long and hard. Then Saundra walks back to their little table and smiles.
Saundra: Thats my dad, my uncle and my brother.
Tessi: Wow, I'd kiss them too if they were related to me.
Saundra: Thats what all my friends say, but they are all mine.
As the three handsom men walked out, they each blew her a kiss.
INT - STARBUCkS - DAY
Saundra, 23, long wavy blonde and red streaked hair sophomore in a marketing undergraduate.
Tessi, 24, short brown hair, sophomore in the same marketing program.
They are studying together at Starbucks over ventis.
Saundra: (looking up from her calculous for business majors book) Oh my gosh, I forgot to tell you, Joe tried to kiss me on our first date last night!
Tessi: I never would have guess'd he'd try that. He's so shy.
Saundra: Yeah, I totally turned my cheek and thanked him for a lovely date.
Tessi: I would have kissed him.
Suandra: What? You kiss guys on the first date? I mean you don't want to kiss someone unless you are sure they are dedicated.
Tessi: Yes, most of the time.
Saundra: Gez, how many guys have you kissed?
Tessi: Oh boy, are you serious? You want me to remember that?
Saundra: No way, you can't even remember?
Tessi: How many have you kissed?
Saundra: Hmmm, four. But that doesn't include my dad
Tessi: Your dad?
Saundra: Not with my dad included, four. But with my dad, and my brother, and my grandpa,... and my uncles, thats a lot more.
Tessi: (shocked) How much kissing does your family do?
Saundra: Everyday.
Tessi: Oh my Gosh thats gross.
At that moment three good looking men walk into the Starbucks and walk by them. Tessi is distracted by them for a moment. Then Saundra who notices them jumps up and runs over to them.
She kisses each of them on the mouth long and hard. Then Saundra walks back to their little table and smiles.
Saundra: Thats my dad, my uncle and my brother.
Tessi: Wow, I'd kiss them too if they were related to me.
Saundra: Thats what all my friends say, but they are all mine.
As the three handsom men walked out, they each blew her a kiss.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Groupon First Date
INT BUBBAS BUGGERS AND FRIES - NIGHT
Lucy, a next door neighborly beautiful woman in her early 20's is dressed in a sleeveless chamise navy blue above the knee dress. She has 4 inch navy blue heels and matching scarf.
Stanly, a Brad Pitt look a like, in a sky blue short sleeved Calvin Klein t-shirt and jeans.
Stanly and Lucy are on their first date after working together at a law firm for a few months. Lucy is the new intern at the office working on her law degree. Stanly is a associate at the firm.
Stanly arrives at Lucy's apartment in his Black BMW M5 with tan leather. He texts her to tell her he is down stars, and she comes down a minute later.
They arrive at BUBBAS BUGGERS AND FRIES a few minutes later.
Lucy (trying to not act surprised): Nice pick.
Stanly: Yeah, they have great food here.
Lucy: Great. (to her self) I hope they have something vegetarian.
They sit at a booth.
Waiter: Hello folks, Welcome to BABBAS Burgers AND Fries! Heres your menus. Shall I go over the specials?
Stanly: No actually tell me which food items can I get using this Groupon?
Waiter: All the stared items are covered under your Groupon.
Stanly: (to the waiter) Thanks. (to Lucy) Ok Lucy, pick things from with the stars because they are 50% with my Groupon.
Lucy: Um, ok. Lets see... Looks like I can get a side of mashed potatoes since the rest are meat dishes.
Stanly: Great. Lets order because we need to leave in 25 minutes to make it to Jims Biker Bar for Happy Hour.
Lucy: Ok, sure.
They order, eat quickly and leave. Lucy barely making it on her high heels.
EXT - JIMS BIKER BAR - NIGHT
Shot of the sign glowing in red.
Line of hogs. Several men and women stand around laughing loudly.
One couple makes out on the back of a bike then take off.
INT - JIMS BIKER BAR - NIGHT
Crowded bar full of men and woman covered in tattoos and leather jackets. Beer and whisky is in the air.
Stanly leads the hesitant Lucy up to the bar.
Stanly: Hey, is Happy Hour still on?
Bar Tender: Hey is not my name. Its Joe. And yeah its still on. What do you and the little lady want?
Stanly: I have this coupon for 10% off drafts during happy hour, does that still work?
Bar Tender (looking closely at the coupon under the dim light) No, this expired yesterday, sorry. But Happy hour drafts are only 2 bucks, so its not a big deal.
Stanly: Oh come on. cant you just accept it man?
Lawrence, a tattooed man in his 30's with a huge long beard is sitting next to them.
Lawrence: Dude, are you serious? You must be some kind of skate to argue over a 2 dollar beer.
Stanly: Back off, this isn't your business.
Lawrence: The hell its not my business. Anyone whose so cheap that they are ruining a nice evening like this with crap that that needs his ass kicked.
Lucy: (To Lawrence) Your right. He made me eat a side of mashed potatoes because he wanted to use his Groupon at dinner. And then he rushed us over here so he could use another coupon. I as hoping for a fancy night out, not this dive. (to the bar tender) no offense.
Stanly: I am just saving money. If you don't appreciate that then maybe we shouldn't go out again.
Lawrence: This is for giving this pretty lady a bad date.
Lawrence slugs Stanly right in the face. Stanly is shocked and stumbles back.
Lawrence: This is for pissing me off
Lawrence slugs Stanly right in the face again. Stanly falls on the floor with blood dripping from his nose. Lucy beams with pleasure.
Lucy: That will teach you to be so cheap.
Lawrence: (to Lucy): What do you say we get out of here. I have tickets for an opera that starts in 30 minutes. We can stop and get some tea on the way.
Lucy: That would be lovely.
Lucy puts her arm inside Lawrence's and they walk out.
Stanly lays on the ground in shock with blood dripping on his Calvin Klein shirt.
Lucy, a next door neighborly beautiful woman in her early 20's is dressed in a sleeveless chamise navy blue above the knee dress. She has 4 inch navy blue heels and matching scarf.
Stanly, a Brad Pitt look a like, in a sky blue short sleeved Calvin Klein t-shirt and jeans.
Stanly and Lucy are on their first date after working together at a law firm for a few months. Lucy is the new intern at the office working on her law degree. Stanly is a associate at the firm.
Stanly arrives at Lucy's apartment in his Black BMW M5 with tan leather. He texts her to tell her he is down stars, and she comes down a minute later.
They arrive at BUBBAS BUGGERS AND FRIES a few minutes later.
Lucy (trying to not act surprised): Nice pick.
Stanly: Yeah, they have great food here.
Lucy: Great. (to her self) I hope they have something vegetarian.
They sit at a booth.
Waiter: Hello folks, Welcome to BABBAS Burgers AND Fries! Heres your menus. Shall I go over the specials?
Stanly: No actually tell me which food items can I get using this Groupon?
Waiter: All the stared items are covered under your Groupon.
Stanly: (to the waiter) Thanks. (to Lucy) Ok Lucy, pick things from with the stars because they are 50% with my Groupon.
Lucy: Um, ok. Lets see... Looks like I can get a side of mashed potatoes since the rest are meat dishes.
Stanly: Great. Lets order because we need to leave in 25 minutes to make it to Jims Biker Bar for Happy Hour.
Lucy: Ok, sure.
They order, eat quickly and leave. Lucy barely making it on her high heels.
EXT - JIMS BIKER BAR - NIGHT
Shot of the sign glowing in red.
Line of hogs. Several men and women stand around laughing loudly.
One couple makes out on the back of a bike then take off.
INT - JIMS BIKER BAR - NIGHT
Crowded bar full of men and woman covered in tattoos and leather jackets. Beer and whisky is in the air.
Stanly leads the hesitant Lucy up to the bar.
Stanly: Hey, is Happy Hour still on?
Bar Tender: Hey is not my name. Its Joe. And yeah its still on. What do you and the little lady want?
Stanly: I have this coupon for 10% off drafts during happy hour, does that still work?
Bar Tender (looking closely at the coupon under the dim light) No, this expired yesterday, sorry. But Happy hour drafts are only 2 bucks, so its not a big deal.
Stanly: Oh come on. cant you just accept it man?
Lawrence, a tattooed man in his 30's with a huge long beard is sitting next to them.
Lawrence: Dude, are you serious? You must be some kind of skate to argue over a 2 dollar beer.
Stanly: Back off, this isn't your business.
Lawrence: The hell its not my business. Anyone whose so cheap that they are ruining a nice evening like this with crap that that needs his ass kicked.
Lucy: (To Lawrence) Your right. He made me eat a side of mashed potatoes because he wanted to use his Groupon at dinner. And then he rushed us over here so he could use another coupon. I as hoping for a fancy night out, not this dive. (to the bar tender) no offense.
Stanly: I am just saving money. If you don't appreciate that then maybe we shouldn't go out again.
Lawrence: This is for giving this pretty lady a bad date.
Lawrence slugs Stanly right in the face. Stanly is shocked and stumbles back.
Lawrence: This is for pissing me off
Lawrence slugs Stanly right in the face again. Stanly falls on the floor with blood dripping from his nose. Lucy beams with pleasure.
Lucy: That will teach you to be so cheap.
Lawrence: (to Lucy): What do you say we get out of here. I have tickets for an opera that starts in 30 minutes. We can stop and get some tea on the way.
Lucy: That would be lovely.
Lucy puts her arm inside Lawrence's and they walk out.
Stanly lays on the ground in shock with blood dripping on his Calvin Klein shirt.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Gold digger Or genius?
EXT – fishing boats on small lake – Day
Two men are sitting in the boat with fishing poles and hands one of them is Dr. George Stevens the second one is janitor at the same hospital that George Stevens works at. The janitor is named Sam Smith.
The two men sit there awkwardly quietly and they throw their fishing lines over the side of the boat.
George: (stiffly) it's a nice day.
Sam: I am glad my little princess, Nancy, invited me out fishing with you. I think it's important for us to become friends now that our children are getting married.
George: yeah, good thinking. So you call Nancy your little princess still even though she us 27?.
Sam: yeah, she's is a princess and your son, Eric is perfect for her.
George: How so?
Sam: well you being a rich doctor and him being a lawyer, she can live the life I promised she'd have when she snagged her self a rich man.
George: so you raised your daughter to find a rich husband. What about the woman's lib movement, doesn't that count now a days?
Sam: after being on the lower rungs of the society for my whole life as a janitorial engineer, I had to be honest with my little princess about how to have a good life.
Both men quietly fish for more than 5 minutes.
Gerorge: what about love?
Sam: love is what fills your stomach. I told her thats all that matters. I've learned the hard way!! I didn't waste money paying for some fancy college, just raised her to find a rich man.
George: well I've got to hand it to you Sam, you're smarter than me. I spent 120 grand on Eric's law degree. Good job raised a genius.
Sam: (slaps George on the back) your a good guy, I am looking forward to lots of dinners, plays, football games and traveling with you, my new family!
Two men are sitting in the boat with fishing poles and hands one of them is Dr. George Stevens the second one is janitor at the same hospital that George Stevens works at. The janitor is named Sam Smith.
The two men sit there awkwardly quietly and they throw their fishing lines over the side of the boat.
George: (stiffly) it's a nice day.
Sam: I am glad my little princess, Nancy, invited me out fishing with you. I think it's important for us to become friends now that our children are getting married.
George: yeah, good thinking. So you call Nancy your little princess still even though she us 27?.
Sam: yeah, she's is a princess and your son, Eric is perfect for her.
George: How so?
Sam: well you being a rich doctor and him being a lawyer, she can live the life I promised she'd have when she snagged her self a rich man.
George: so you raised your daughter to find a rich husband. What about the woman's lib movement, doesn't that count now a days?
Sam: after being on the lower rungs of the society for my whole life as a janitorial engineer, I had to be honest with my little princess about how to have a good life.
Both men quietly fish for more than 5 minutes.
Gerorge: what about love?
Sam: love is what fills your stomach. I told her thats all that matters. I've learned the hard way!! I didn't waste money paying for some fancy college, just raised her to find a rich man.
George: well I've got to hand it to you Sam, you're smarter than me. I spent 120 grand on Eric's law degree. Good job raised a genius.
Sam: (slaps George on the back) your a good guy, I am looking forward to lots of dinners, plays, football games and traveling with you, my new family!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Hot or not
INT - Busy lunch room in office building
Darren and Cindy in their early twenties eat lunch at a small round table. Other tables have smiling office workers eating.
Darren: (laughing) And then when Bob farted I just broke down laughing.
Cindy: (laughing) I thought Adam was going to crack a smile. But he just kept talking.
Cindy: (Regaining her composure) by the way, did you See Adam's new assistant, I think his name is Sam.
Darren: yeah, he brought me the morning report.
Cindy: Yeah well really cute in fact I think he's pretty hot
Darren: I'm well you know I'm a guy so I can tell if a man is hot.
Cindy: (serious) just because your man doesn't mean that you can't tell whether a man is hot.
Darren: no I really just see a guy. I can't tell.
Cindy: that silly, I can tell you if any woman is hot or not.
Cindy turns to Sandy sitting at the next table
Cindy: Sandy, shouldn't a man be able to tell if another man is hot?
Sandy: Ovvvv couuurrrsee. That's cooooommon sehhhnse.
Cindy: See, Darren, anyone can judge if someone is hot or not.
Darren: I don't agree.
Sandy gets up from her table where she is sitting down with Joe and looks at Darren.
Sandy: what you?? Some kinda fooooool? Gettin all homophobic if you should admit that there could be a hoahhhhhht man? Hey, Joe, we've got a stuck up homophobic Sun of A Gun here who needs his attitude addddjusssteddd.
Joe: another one? We've just been up to our necks in 'em this week Sandy.
Joe takes out his black leather whip and starts whaling on Darren.
Cindy: Give it to him Joe! That will teach you to be a snob in this office!
Blackout
Darren and Cindy in their early twenties eat lunch at a small round table. Other tables have smiling office workers eating.
Darren: (laughing) And then when Bob farted I just broke down laughing.
Cindy: (laughing) I thought Adam was going to crack a smile. But he just kept talking.
Cindy: (Regaining her composure) by the way, did you See Adam's new assistant, I think his name is Sam.
Darren: yeah, he brought me the morning report.
Cindy: Yeah well really cute in fact I think he's pretty hot
Darren: I'm well you know I'm a guy so I can tell if a man is hot.
Cindy: (serious) just because your man doesn't mean that you can't tell whether a man is hot.
Darren: no I really just see a guy. I can't tell.
Cindy: that silly, I can tell you if any woman is hot or not.
Cindy turns to Sandy sitting at the next table
Cindy: Sandy, shouldn't a man be able to tell if another man is hot?
Sandy: Ovvvv couuurrrsee. That's cooooommon sehhhnse.
Cindy: See, Darren, anyone can judge if someone is hot or not.
Darren: I don't agree.
Sandy gets up from her table where she is sitting down with Joe and looks at Darren.
Sandy: what you?? Some kinda fooooool? Gettin all homophobic if you should admit that there could be a hoahhhhhht man? Hey, Joe, we've got a stuck up homophobic Sun of A Gun here who needs his attitude addddjusssteddd.
Joe: another one? We've just been up to our necks in 'em this week Sandy.
Joe takes out his black leather whip and starts whaling on Darren.
Cindy: Give it to him Joe! That will teach you to be a snob in this office!
Blackout
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
The fuel pump loves you
EXT GAS STATION - DAY
Man pulls up to fuel pump and pumps gas
When he is done he looks a the fuel pump display screen.
The fuel pump displays: do you want to do you want a car wash? yes or no?
Man: no
The fuel pump: do you want a receipt? yes or no?
Man: no
The fuel pump: can't you just please say 'yes' to something? yes or no?
The man looks puzzled for a few seconds
Man: no
The fuel pump: All day long I take care of the needs of my customers without complaining! Please, I just want you to admit you love me and can't live without me. Can't you please pick yes? Yes or no?
Man: no, screw off
Man drives away and gives the fuel pump the finger.
The fuel pump: he'll be back, I've got something he can't live without!
Man pulls up to fuel pump and pumps gas
When he is done he looks a the fuel pump display screen.
The fuel pump displays: do you want to do you want a car wash? yes or no?
Man: no
The fuel pump: do you want a receipt? yes or no?
Man: no
The fuel pump: can't you just please say 'yes' to something? yes or no?
The man looks puzzled for a few seconds
Man: no
The fuel pump: All day long I take care of the needs of my customers without complaining! Please, I just want you to admit you love me and can't live without me. Can't you please pick yes? Yes or no?
Man: no, screw off
Man drives away and gives the fuel pump the finger.
The fuel pump: he'll be back, I've got something he can't live without!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Dinosaur CEO
INT - CEO OFFICE - DAY
CEO sits behind large golden desk with a gold covered bust of himself next to him.
The walls are lined with photos of him with world leaders and famous people. There is a painting of him with a huge naughty smile with Pamela Anderson sitting on his lap.
On his desk is nothing but a large white egg and a 5 year old boy. Both are staring at the egg seriously.
Boy: Dad, when's the dinosaur going to come out and play?
CEO: Very very soon, just keep your eye on it.
Boy: I am watching but it's not coming out!
CEO: Come on fraking Dino, or I'll break your egg shell right open and expose your naked flesh to the world.
The egg starts shaking. It starts rocking violently. It begins to roll towards the edge.
The boy squeals with delight. The CEO pushes the egg back into the middle of the desk.
Instead of a baby dinosaur emerging from the egg, a tiny clone of the CEO steps out of the broken egg shell and smiles. He is wearing a suit just like the CEO.
Tiny CEO: Hello. I am the CEO of a huge company and I will be rich forevehhh! Who are you all?
Boy: Daddy!! It's you daddy!! You are a Dinosaur!! Here, climb on my hand! Look, daddy. The tiny you fits in my hand!
CEO: Stop it!
CEO picks up the tiny CEO out of the boy's hand and bring him close to his face.
CEO: This is an abomination! I am going to fire the whole dinosaur cloning department, those idiots!
Tiny CEO: I am going to have slaves make clothes in factories where the EPA has no say in how much mercury and lead I pour into the water! I am going to take money from hard working people to pay for my luxuries. I am going to cover my desk in diamonds dug out by slaves and ...
CEO drops the tiny CEO on the floor and squished him under his $1000 dollar Italian shoes.
Boy: Daddy, You squished my pet!
Boy cries and touches the bloody stain on the wooden floor.
CEO: Don't worry about it, son. I'll hire a new department of paleontological biologists to clone us another one.
CEO sits behind large golden desk with a gold covered bust of himself next to him.
The walls are lined with photos of him with world leaders and famous people. There is a painting of him with a huge naughty smile with Pamela Anderson sitting on his lap.
On his desk is nothing but a large white egg and a 5 year old boy. Both are staring at the egg seriously.
Boy: Dad, when's the dinosaur going to come out and play?
CEO: Very very soon, just keep your eye on it.
Boy: I am watching but it's not coming out!
CEO: Come on fraking Dino, or I'll break your egg shell right open and expose your naked flesh to the world.
The egg starts shaking. It starts rocking violently. It begins to roll towards the edge.
The boy squeals with delight. The CEO pushes the egg back into the middle of the desk.
Instead of a baby dinosaur emerging from the egg, a tiny clone of the CEO steps out of the broken egg shell and smiles. He is wearing a suit just like the CEO.
Tiny CEO: Hello. I am the CEO of a huge company and I will be rich forevehhh! Who are you all?
Boy: Daddy!! It's you daddy!! You are a Dinosaur!! Here, climb on my hand! Look, daddy. The tiny you fits in my hand!
CEO: Stop it!
CEO picks up the tiny CEO out of the boy's hand and bring him close to his face.
CEO: This is an abomination! I am going to fire the whole dinosaur cloning department, those idiots!
Tiny CEO: I am going to have slaves make clothes in factories where the EPA has no say in how much mercury and lead I pour into the water! I am going to take money from hard working people to pay for my luxuries. I am going to cover my desk in diamonds dug out by slaves and ...
CEO drops the tiny CEO on the floor and squished him under his $1000 dollar Italian shoes.
Boy: Daddy, You squished my pet!
Boy cries and touches the bloody stain on the wooden floor.
CEO: Don't worry about it, son. I'll hire a new department of paleontological biologists to clone us another one.
Monday, September 5, 2011
INT KITCHEN - DAY
MOM - Woman in Early 40's wearing a long blue and white stripped loosing fitting dress
JOHNNY - 16 year old boy wearing hip teen cloths and his hat on backwards.
MOM: Jonny, before you leave you need to eat a healthy breakfast.
JONNY: But Mom, breakfast is so boring!
MOM: Don't you want Susy from down the street to make out with you after school?
JONNY: Of course, Mom, Duh, but what does that have to do with breakfast?
MOM: Jonny!! Organic Farms now has pheromone enhancing granola. They make your young pubescent body release huge amounts of girl attracting pheromones to make girls go crazy after you!
JONNY: MOM! Give me some of that!
EXT PARK - DAY
Jonny and Susy roll around on grass in park.
SUSY: Oh My Jonny, I never felt this way about anyone before!
JONNY (To CAMERA): Thanks Organic Farms!!
BLACKOUT
MOM - Woman in Early 40's wearing a long blue and white stripped loosing fitting dress
JOHNNY - 16 year old boy wearing hip teen cloths and his hat on backwards.
MOM: Jonny, before you leave you need to eat a healthy breakfast.
JONNY: But Mom, breakfast is so boring!
MOM: Don't you want Susy from down the street to make out with you after school?
JONNY: Of course, Mom, Duh, but what does that have to do with breakfast?
MOM: Jonny!! Organic Farms now has pheromone enhancing granola. They make your young pubescent body release huge amounts of girl attracting pheromones to make girls go crazy after you!
JONNY: MOM! Give me some of that!
EXT PARK - DAY
Jonny and Susy roll around on grass in park.
SUSY: Oh My Jonny, I never felt this way about anyone before!
JONNY (To CAMERA): Thanks Organic Farms!!
BLACKOUT
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Animal Suicide Documentary
Footage of squirrel dead on the side of the road.
Announcer: dear fellow Americans, there is a shocking epidemic sweeping our country. It's not the debt, health care, even the or the rise of terrorism.
It's the rising number of wild animal suicides. We at the association of animal suicide studies and interventions or AASSI have been following this troubling rise in suicides.
The highest increase is in the fun loving squirrel population where the rate went from 40% back in 2000, to the scary rate of 55% in 2011.
The squirrel population is taking advantage of the increase in country roads which humans have built to throw them selves into the grips of death that was otherwise difficult to accomplish.
Here we have Quinn, a male squirrel in his late 2s. We at AASSI intervened in his attempted suicide ealier today. Notice his slow eye movement and hunched poster. These are clear signs of depression.
Announcer(to Quinn the squirrel): What is getting you down?
Quinn: No one loves me. I just go from meaningless nest to meaningless nest. I just want to find a female who connects with me, but who cares. Its all meaningless.
Announcer(to Quinn the squirrel): Quinn, Love is a beautiful thing. You can still find a female who you can develop an intense relationship with.
Quinn:You don't understand me. I've had every kind of squirrel you can imagine. Beautiful ones with very few fleas, smart ones that will blow your mind with their intellectual conversation, ones with fluffy tails, ones with scrawny tails, Gray squirrels, red squirrels, multi colored squirrels. They didn't love me for who I am. None of them could see the inner me so I had to leave each of them.
Announcer(to Quinn the squirrel): There is hope. You are just in a bad place right now. Are you willing to put your treatment into the hands of AASSI?
Quinn: oh whatever.
Announcer(to audience):For a case like Quinn's, we will put him on squirrelZac to pull him out the of the dark hole he's crawled down. Coupled with group therapy.
Cut to INT shot of 10 squirrels sitting in a circle looking at each other awkwardly.
Announcer(to audience): Quinn will be back to his normal happy hyper self with in few months. All in a days work at AASSI. Take care Quinn.
Announcer: dear fellow Americans, there is a shocking epidemic sweeping our country. It's not the debt, health care, even the or the rise of terrorism.
It's the rising number of wild animal suicides. We at the association of animal suicide studies and interventions or AASSI have been following this troubling rise in suicides.
The highest increase is in the fun loving squirrel population where the rate went from 40% back in 2000, to the scary rate of 55% in 2011.
The squirrel population is taking advantage of the increase in country roads which humans have built to throw them selves into the grips of death that was otherwise difficult to accomplish.
Here we have Quinn, a male squirrel in his late 2s. We at AASSI intervened in his attempted suicide ealier today. Notice his slow eye movement and hunched poster. These are clear signs of depression.
Announcer(to Quinn the squirrel): What is getting you down?
Quinn: No one loves me. I just go from meaningless nest to meaningless nest. I just want to find a female who connects with me, but who cares. Its all meaningless.
Announcer(to Quinn the squirrel): Quinn, Love is a beautiful thing. You can still find a female who you can develop an intense relationship with.
Quinn:You don't understand me. I've had every kind of squirrel you can imagine. Beautiful ones with very few fleas, smart ones that will blow your mind with their intellectual conversation, ones with fluffy tails, ones with scrawny tails, Gray squirrels, red squirrels, multi colored squirrels. They didn't love me for who I am. None of them could see the inner me so I had to leave each of them.
Announcer(to Quinn the squirrel): There is hope. You are just in a bad place right now. Are you willing to put your treatment into the hands of AASSI?
Quinn: oh whatever.
Announcer(to audience):For a case like Quinn's, we will put him on squirrelZac to pull him out the of the dark hole he's crawled down. Coupled with group therapy.
Cut to INT shot of 10 squirrels sitting in a circle looking at each other awkwardly.
Announcer(to audience): Quinn will be back to his normal happy hyper self with in few months. All in a days work at AASSI. Take care Quinn.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Tea time
Setting: tea room in fancy golf club
Three British old Ladies dressed in peach suites with pearls blue gray hair and tiny lap dogs with their tiny noses poking out of their hand bags.
A waiter comes to their table and refills their tea cups and leaves.
Old lady 1: Did you see the backside on him?
Old lady 2: yes, I noticed it last time we were here and that's why I invited him back to my garden club to clip my roses.
Old lady 3: I also invited him back to my calisthenics class so he could stretch me out.
Old lady 1: young man, come here
Waiter: yes mam.
Old lady 1: let's go to my bedroom and shag. I know these old bags like wasting time, but I've got very little time left on this planet.
Other two ladies are aghast as the waiter and old lady 1 leaves hand in hand.
Old lady 2 & 3: I can't believe she didn't use a euphemism.
Three British old Ladies dressed in peach suites with pearls blue gray hair and tiny lap dogs with their tiny noses poking out of their hand bags.
A waiter comes to their table and refills their tea cups and leaves.
Old lady 1: Did you see the backside on him?
Old lady 2: yes, I noticed it last time we were here and that's why I invited him back to my garden club to clip my roses.
Old lady 3: I also invited him back to my calisthenics class so he could stretch me out.
Old lady 1: young man, come here
Waiter: yes mam.
Old lady 1: let's go to my bedroom and shag. I know these old bags like wasting time, but I've got very little time left on this planet.
Other two ladies are aghast as the waiter and old lady 1 leaves hand in hand.
Old lady 2 & 3: I can't believe she didn't use a euphemism.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Everyone has a price
Setting: A dungeon
Characters:
Samuel - Old man chained to wall wearing rags
Robert- Young man chained to the floor wearing rags
Samuel: Robert, push over the pee bucket. I need to take a wiz.
Robert: Its full, Samuel. I don't have the strength to push it over to you. Just aim for it. Its only a few feet.
Samuel: You have no idea what its like to be 76 years old. My pee doesn't flow like it used to when I was a young man like you. Can't you just push it a few feet?
Robert: I have barely the strength to prop myself up on my elbow. I won't ever be an old man if they keep feeding us the clear broth soup. You are lucky you are still alive.
Samuel: Luck has nothing to do with it. hmm
Robert: What? You have a secret? You've been keeping a secret from me after all these months?
Samuel: hmm. I didn't say anything.
Robert: If you tell me, I'll muster the strength to push the pee bucket over to you.
Samuel: I can just wait.
Samuel: Ok, fine. The secret is when I go for my bath each day, they feed me one chicken nugget dipped in bbq sauce.
Robert: What the?! How in the world did you manage that?
Samuel: First push the bucket over.
Robert: No! Tell me how you got them to do that?
Samuel: You have no pity on an old man do you! Ok fine. I tell them a story about how the world used to be back in 2011, when all people spent their days free having fun and eating plenty of food.
Robert: You were barely a kid in 2011! Are you sure you remember things correctly? These stories must be pretty convincing if they give you a whole chicken nugget for them.
Samuel: Please push the bucket over to me.
Robert pushes the bucket over with his foot. the urine splashes around.
Samuel finishes his business. Both are quiet for a long time.
Samuel: Well, now you know. It doesn't help you does it.
Robert: Yes, because now you can bring half of it back to share with me.
Samuel: And why would I do that?
Robert: Because if you don't I'll never push the pee bucket to you again.
Characters:
Samuel - Old man chained to wall wearing rags
Robert- Young man chained to the floor wearing rags
Samuel: Robert, push over the pee bucket. I need to take a wiz.
Robert: Its full, Samuel. I don't have the strength to push it over to you. Just aim for it. Its only a few feet.
Samuel: You have no idea what its like to be 76 years old. My pee doesn't flow like it used to when I was a young man like you. Can't you just push it a few feet?
Robert: I have barely the strength to prop myself up on my elbow. I won't ever be an old man if they keep feeding us the clear broth soup. You are lucky you are still alive.
Samuel: Luck has nothing to do with it. hmm
Robert: What? You have a secret? You've been keeping a secret from me after all these months?
Samuel: hmm. I didn't say anything.
Robert: If you tell me, I'll muster the strength to push the pee bucket over to you.
Samuel: I can just wait.
Samuel: Ok, fine. The secret is when I go for my bath each day, they feed me one chicken nugget dipped in bbq sauce.
Robert: What the?! How in the world did you manage that?
Samuel: First push the bucket over.
Robert: No! Tell me how you got them to do that?
Samuel: You have no pity on an old man do you! Ok fine. I tell them a story about how the world used to be back in 2011, when all people spent their days free having fun and eating plenty of food.
Robert: You were barely a kid in 2011! Are you sure you remember things correctly? These stories must be pretty convincing if they give you a whole chicken nugget for them.
Samuel: Please push the bucket over to me.
Robert pushes the bucket over with his foot. the urine splashes around.
Samuel finishes his business. Both are quiet for a long time.
Samuel: Well, now you know. It doesn't help you does it.
Robert: Yes, because now you can bring half of it back to share with me.
Samuel: And why would I do that?
Robert: Because if you don't I'll never push the pee bucket to you again.
The Average Insult
Setting: Alley
Characters:
Homeless man in his late 20's with clip board.
Several passer bys
Homeless man sits in alley leaning against a brick wall with a blanket over his shoulders.
Passer by 1: Get a job.
Homeless man: "Get a job," 13 times. check
Passer by 2: You should be a shamed of your self.
Homeless man: "You should be a shamed of yourself." 17 times. check
Passer by 3: You are disgusting.
Homeless man: "You are disgusting." 22 times. check
Passer by 4: I noticed your documenting how many times you get each insult.
Homeless man: That's correct. I am conducting research on the creativity of the average insult. Last week I was a telemarketer.
Passer by 4: What's your findings?
Homeless man: The average insult is not very creative.
Passer by 4: ok, well how about this, You demonstrate intelligence and vigor wasted on a pursuit void of purpose.
Homeless man: "You demonstrate intelligence and vigor wasted on a pursuit void of purpose." 25 times. Check
Characters:
Homeless man in his late 20's with clip board.
Several passer bys
Homeless man sits in alley leaning against a brick wall with a blanket over his shoulders.
Passer by 1: Get a job.
Homeless man: "Get a job," 13 times. check
Passer by 2: You should be a shamed of your self.
Homeless man: "You should be a shamed of yourself." 17 times. check
Passer by 3: You are disgusting.
Homeless man: "You are disgusting." 22 times. check
Passer by 4: I noticed your documenting how many times you get each insult.
Homeless man: That's correct. I am conducting research on the creativity of the average insult. Last week I was a telemarketer.
Passer by 4: What's your findings?
Homeless man: The average insult is not very creative.
Passer by 4: ok, well how about this, You demonstrate intelligence and vigor wasted on a pursuit void of purpose.
Homeless man: "You demonstrate intelligence and vigor wasted on a pursuit void of purpose." 25 times. Check
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)