What I learned from teaching Improv to kids

For the last four weeks I've taught an improv class to the 12 and 13 year old girls in my church.
I have been performing on stage since April 2011 and have been studying improv since September 2010. I got the idea of teaching the class because my improv team, The Third Thought, moved our practice nights to before our show on Thursdays freeing up Mondays. The thought of not doing improv on Mondays depressed me so much that the idea of starting an improv workshop just for girls came to mind. I knew I'd have to give it a shot.

Just as the idea came fully formed, I wanted to teach an improv class to girls, relying on recruiting them from my church,I also came up with my philosophy on teaching improv fully. I didn't have any interest in teaching them how to be funny or witty. I didn't want to teach them how to do "improv games" I wanted to teach them how to create full length plays with a group fully improvised. To me this is the height of improv theater, or as its usually called Long Form..

To each them this I needed them to develop the building blocks of a great long form improv show:
1. Listening Skills
2. Being very Specific and detailed
3. Plots\story line\hero
4.Characters
5. Space Work
6. Scenes
7. Edits
Click here for the detailed lesson plans.

My approach came from the many improv classes and workshops I've been in.
1. Don't Lecture
2. Let the class learn by doing.
3. Side coach
4. Each exercise must develop one of the 7 skills if not multiple of them.

The girls loved it. Each week I'd give them homework like pay attention to how you open a door or eat. Or watch movies and note their plot lines.

Each class was 2 hours and we didn't take breaks or rest. We went from one activity to the next. I think it was very intense, but the girls didn't complain. In fact I was surprised how good they did. I never even bothered telling them the rules of improv. I just side coached.

We started with one word story. (each person of the class adds the next word to the sentence which make up the story.) This let me assess where they were. I quickly realized that even though they were wonderful talkers and very imaginative, they were not good listeners. They also had no ability to put together a coherent story line. I'd have to stop and remind them about what had already taken place in the story.

Teaching to honor what the other team members have already added was a big lesson. I could see them starting to concentrate on listening. The next week they were much better.

Teaching them to be specific was my next challenge. I explained that the more specific the details are the better the story will be. To work on this we played a game called "Justify It." The members line up and the person at the top of the line walks down the line telling each person something crazy like, "I took all the water out of my pool and filled it with curtains." The second person must justify why they would do that like, "Of course you did because the chemicals in the pool water were drying out your rare skin disease and curtains are much healthier for you to swim in."

Teaching them to listen and honor each others ideas and to be specific really were the main things I had to work on with my class. By week three we started doing full long form sets and in week four we did two 30 minute sets. I was very impressed with my class.

Improv skills, Listening and honoring and specific are life skills. These girls will take what they learned in my class and use it in all areas of their lives. I am going to be teaching an improv class on the 22nd to the kids at Metropolitan Ministries, the homeless shelter. I hope the kids there will enjoy the class as much as I enjoy teaching it.

The Confession

Setting: Confessional in a Roman Catholic Church.
Woman enters.

Woman: Forgive me father for I have sinned.
Father: Oh goodness, what this time?
Woman: This time I've done some very sinful things.
Father: Get on with it; there are others who have committed real sins.
Woman: At church yesterday I burped really loudly, and everyone around me looked at me crossly.
Father: 1.5 Hail Mary's, Have a good evening.
Woman: Oh Father! I have several more to confess.
Father: OK Go on.
Woman: I went to the rest room yesterday and I tinkled on the seat and I was in a rush so I didn't clean it up!
Father: On my goodness! Really? 2 hail mary's
Woman: Then when I got home my sister asked me to come over and help her clean out her closet, but I lied to her and told her I was too tired, but I wasn't. I just hate seeing all her nice cloths.
Father: For goodness sake! That’s not even worth bothering Mary over.
Woman: Next I sat down and read 51 shades of gray, and I really liked it.
Father: Pffftt are you done yet?
Woman: Ok thats all. Just to let you know, I got here late today because I accidentally hit a young pregnant woman with her two small children who were crossing the street because I was texting.

Dinner in an African Village

Setting: Tiny mud hut in poor African Villiage.
Family sits around a pot of soup eating dinner.

Little Boy: Mom, I don't want the rest of my cabage water.
Mom: Eat it!
Little Boy: I want to go play.
Mom: Be Thankul you have food. Don't you know that there are children starving in Greece??

Marriage Money Advice

Setting: Two Sisters talk in a Coffee Shop.
Sister 1: I am so nervious about my up coming marriage to Larry.
Sister 2: Well 5 years of marriage has taught me a lot, do you want to know our secret to money management?
Sister 1: Ok, sure.
Sister 2: I spend it before he can.
Sister 1: Really?
Sister 2: Yeah, infact I can't give him any warning of any big purchases I am about to make because he'll spend it before me.
Sister 1: What about that time he bought the car without asking you?
Sister 2: Exactly, I totally messed up. He beat me that time.
Sister 1: I am so glad to have a wise sister to give me advice. Thank you, What about how to date other men while I am married?
Sister 2: OHH I have a lot of good tips on that....

UnPopular Characters Clubs Association

Setting: The Association of UnPopular Characters Clubs annual meeting.
President: These new movies come out with characters that are run through focus groups. All of them are popular. We are not gaining any new clubs around new characters.
VP of Membership: Yes, but we have so many clubs around older characters , like JarJarBinks, Wesley Striker from Star Trek Next Generation, and Cypher from The Matrix.
President: New clubs around new characters are the life blood of our association. Slowly even unpopular characters start losing their resonance. We need more characters like Dory from Finding Nemo and Velma from Scooby-Doo.
VP of Membership: I agree, but don't underestimate the continued excitement around Merry from Lord of the Rings or Jack Bauer's daughter Kim on 24.
President: Your right, we will just have to keep trudging along and hope more characters like Effe from Hunger Games to come along.

That Full Feeling

Setting:
Two sisters have lunch in their home.
Sister 1: This food is so good!
Sister 2: Thank you, I am so glad this new recipe worked out.
Sister 1: Who knew you were such a good cook.
Sister 2: I am going to save the rest for Bob.
Sister 1: I need seconds.
Sister 2: If you wait you'll feel full. It just takes time for your food to register.
Sister 1: I need to hurry before I feel that!

Modeling in the Future

Setting: two old men on a modeling run way wearing shorts with no shirts with huge belles hanging over their shorts. It's the year 2030.
Fashion Reporter 1: these models this year look fantastic. I love the thick hair on their tummies.
Fashion Reporter 2: theres been so much made over the lack of young models in the shows lately, but the current generation is over 55, we enjoy seeing people who look like us wearing clothes we want to wear.
Fashion Reporter 1: exactly. The public has spoken, they're in loooooove with the super plus sized over 50 models that we see so well represented today .
Fashion Reporter 2: the only real problem is the babies under 30 who want to also be represented in the shows, but seriously, no wants to see a smooth skinned persons with low body fat. It's just not the average.
Fashion Reporter 1: fun fact, back 30 to 60 years ago they used to have deathly thin young models!
Fashion Reporter 2: ohhh our silly ancestors. So quaint!

Counting the Days

Setting: behind the bar at a dive bar and grill.
Two bartenders are talking.
Helen: it's 84 days
Tiffany: that you've been sober?
Helen: no, till I turn 50.
Tiffany: I thought you were quitting drinking
Helen: I don't want to make any big changes before my big birthday .
Tiffany: have you tried to quit?
Helen: it's not a problem.
Tiffany: you lost your drivers and law license.
Helen: I didn't really want to be a lawyer anyways.
Tiffany: why are you counting down till your birthday?
Helen: I get a free world of beer birthday party!

Announcement from Blackberry

Setting: two guys watching the blackberry announcement on YouTube
CEO of Research In Motion: We are committed to making BlackBerry 10 an inflection point in mobile computing,
Guy 1: wow, blackberry is almost as good as droid.
Guy 2: it looks like an iPhone
Guy 1: I really need a new phone now. maybe I'll go buy one.
CEO of Research In Motion: we will release this amazing new device in a few months.
Guy 1: what! I can't wait a few months! I guess I'll just get an iPhone 5 then.

On the Internet, nobody knows you're ugly

Setting: Dragon Cave
A Dragon named Tom with a pimple mopes in his dragon cave. A second Dragon named Ralph sits waiting for him to be ready.
Ralph: No one is going to notice.
Tom: How can they not notice, it’s huge!
Ralph: Susan won't care, she likes you.
Tom: How do you know she likes me?
Ralph: Well she did pick you out on eharmony.com just based on your personality since you didn't include a picture.
Tom:  Yeah, and our chat sessions are so fun. And this double date is perfect for meeting her.
Ralph: Of course. She’s been dying to meet you for the first time!
Tom (looks in the mirror again): No way am I going.
Ralph: Ok you know what. I am going on my own.
Tom: Tell Susan that I was sick.
Ralph: I think you need to just be honest with her and tell her you’re a dragon.

Burn those calories!

Setting:
A Backyard.
A chubby woman is throwing half a cake, half a cookie and a half a tub of ice cream into a fire.
Husband sees the fire and runs over.
Husband: what are you doing??
Wife: my doctor said that if I eat a cookie with 200 calories I need to burn 200 calories.
Husband: ok that makes sense. Why are you burning things in our back yard.
Wife: this cake had 400 calories. So I ate half of it and I am burning the other half!
Husband: I had a huge cheese burger earlier. Do you have anything with 1200 calories I can burn?

Limited Idea of Beauty

Heath and beauty day spa.
Attractive Woman in her 40's with a full beard walks in.

Customer: hi, I've never been to a spa before, I got this gift card from Obama for mothers day.
Spa front desk: what would you like to do?
Customer: well what do you offer?
Spa front desk: hair removal is very popular, we do waxing, laser, plucking, threading, shaving,
Customer: hmmm what about a hair coloring?
Spa front desk: i think you should consider hair removal.
Customer: Oh? Why
Spa front desk: having a nice hair removal session is the perfect way to spend your day.
Customer: but I'd really like to touch up my grays.
Spa front desk: no one is going to touch you with that beard.
Customer: I find your limited idea of beauty ignorant!
Spa front desk: lady, woman shouldn't have full beards.
Customer: I like my beard and so does my husband.
Spa front desk: fine, what do you want?
Customer: maybe you can touch up the gray spots ( points to her chin)

Heathy Fat

Setting: clothes store fitting room
Wife: does this new pair of pants slim my backside?
Husband: hmmm, you know your thinking about this the wrong way.
Wife: How else can i think about gaining 15 pounds in the last few months?
Husband: you need to realize you gained that weight from healthy sources like avocados, olive oil and frozen yogurt! You were getting healthier the whole time you were gaining that weight. It's healthy weight.
Wife: but you can't tell from looking at me.
Husband: I know ( he hugs her) but no more avocados for you.

The origin of Jobs

Setting: Business School class - Business Models for Startups - Lecture
Professor: Your goal is to generate a business model that makes more money than it spends over time.
Student: I thought the goal of the business was to give jobs to people.
Professor: It depends on your business model. If you painted paintings that sold for millions and it only cost you 100 dollars, then you wouldn't really need to hire anyone. But you could have a factory that made a product or a call center to provide a service with lots of people.
Student: I think business should hire as many people as it can.
Professor: As long as your business model supports it, you should hire as many as you need. But growing too fast is dangerous because you'll have to lay them off if you can't pay them.
Student: But laying them off is not fair. They have families. We should give them a living wage and guaranteed employment forever.
Professor: But if your business is not bringing in enough money to pay those employees you'll go out of business.
Student: That’s why Government is there. They can bail us out like they did before.
Professor: That’s not how it usually is.
Student: I think it will be like that.
Professor: Its a better idea to create a sustainable business model and only hire as many people as you need.
Student: No, I want to give people a living wage.
Professor: That’s great, but you should pay each person based on how much benefit they bring to your company.
Student: That’s not fair to that person if they aren't that good.
Professor: What kind of business are you thinking of starting?
Student: Washington DC Lobbyist Firm
Professor: Good for you. I think your going into the right field with your mindset.

The Latest Technology

Setting: Hall way in high school
Two high school boys stand talking by their lockers.
Doug: Is that the latest model?
Ted: Oh yeah! I just got it last night.
Doug: Wow! Can I check out the features?
Ted: Sure, you can, press this button to see all the functions.
Doug: Ted, all the girls are going to know your the man now.
Ted: Man, Digital watches are total chick magnets!
Susan: Ted, want to go out tomorrow?
Ted: Oh yeah.
(Ted winks at Doug and walks off with Susan)

How much do you like your favorite restaurant?

Setting: Corporate Leadership Training Class
Class is on break and folks are chatting about their favorite restaurants.
Bob: I kind of like Silver Spoon Grill.
Larry: Oh Man! I went there once, it was good.
Sam: I really like that place. I take guests there.
Frank: I take my family there once a month.
Dan: I take my wife there on a date weekly!
Jeremy: I got married there!
Bob: Gez, its not that good.

A Small Town Union

Setting: Small town salon called Stylish Cuts
Jasmine, the owner stands in front of her salon. Her three employees are holding signs in front of the salon. The woman each has a sign that says, “On Strike for unfair labor practices.”
Jasmine: What’s going on?
Mary: Jasmine, we need to talk to you.
Jasmine: Ok?
Mary: We girls noticed that business has been really good lately.
Jasmine: Yes, it has! It’s a team effort and you know you'll be getting bonuses this month.
Lucy: We demand a 25% raise.
Jasmine: Well I would have to review my finances before I can give anyone a raise.
Ann: We also want an extra 30 minutes off for lunch.
Jasmine: Lunch is our busiest time, I need you here.
Lucy: Also, we need to leave early on Saturdays.
Jasmine: Saturdays? But, team, I need you here to help me run this. It’s not just me, its all of us together.
Ann: We also need a division of labor. I will only wash hair.
Lucy: I am only going to blow dry.
Mary: I will only cut.
Jasmine: What about coloring? Who’s going to do coloring? Do I need to hire someone?
Ann: No, you’re not allowed to hire anyone else unless we approve them.
Jasmine: This is crazy! I dreamed about starting this salon since I was a little girl!
Mary: I think that you don't understand the situation. We are going to stay on strike until you meet our demands.
Ann: Let’s see the impact of that on business.
Jasmine: What you are talking about will kill our little company.
Lucy: We need to be protected.
Jasmine: I wasn't planning on doing it, but now I will order 3 robot barbers or 3 illegals. Not sure which, but your all fired. Clear out.

Tariffs and "Unfair" Trade Sanctions Explained

Setting: Kitchen table in a neighborhood in US.
Susan is a preteen who has a lemonade stand.
Bobby is a preteen who has an ice cube maker.
Larry is Susan's dad. The three of them are standing around the kitchen table.

Susan: Dad, please fix the ice maker. I am going to have the lemonade stand today and I need lots of ice.
Dad: Our refrigerator makes a dozen cubes a day. It’s enough.
Bobby: Susan, you can buy some of my ice at one cent each cube.
Dad: I don't want you buying Bobby's ice because what will ours do?
Susan: Dad, our ice maker is too slow. I'd rather just buy some from Bobby.
Dad: Then for every one you buy from Bobby, I am going to make you pay me 1 cent.
Susan: That means that I am paying 2 cents for every ice cube total!
Dad: That’s what you get for getting ice from outside our family.
Susan: But Dad! I am selling the lemonade to our neighbors and bringing money into our family. That money makes our household income go up.
Dad: It doesn't matter. I don't like you buying things from other families. Plus, Bobby's dad got his ice maker for less than we bought ours because he works at Sears.
Susan: Why does it matter?
Dad: Because Sears gave him a discount and I didn't get a discount. That means he can produce ice cheaper than I can.
Susan: So then why don't we just let Bobby's family produce all our ice for us since he can do it cheaper.
Dad: The cost is absorbed by Sears and passed on to all the other customers. So its really not cheaper for anyone.
Susan: But it’s cheaper for us because we are benefiting from the cheaper ice!
Dad: It’s still not right.
Bobby:  You guys are a crazy family. I am just trying to help you sell more of your product at a cheaper price.

read more about the true impact of free trade on our economy

Company Paradise

Companies Paradise
Setting:
Congressional Hearing on Why Companies keep offshoring their labor forces
Congressman 1: Why are you moving your operations to India?
Chief Executive Officer of large US Company: Many reasons.
1. Labor is cheaper
2. I can create a subsidiary there and I can funnel income from my over seas locations into it so I don't have to pay the extremely high taxes of the US.
3. I don't have the EPA and the other federal nannies in my business causing me more overhead.
4. Most of my growth is overseas in Latin America and Asia. US economy is so slow that its costing me more to operate here. So why should I deal with all the slow backwards regulations and red tape of the US?

Basically what I am saying is the US is just a small piece of my business now, so moving it over seas just makes a lot of sense

Congressman 2: You are such a selfish person. Not only do I think your pay should be capped, but I am going to tax you more because of your offshoring.

Chief Executive Officer of large US Company: Well then I guess I'll just leave totally. And then you won't have any jobs here.

Congressman 1: (To Congressman 2) We need to make it illegal for companies to leave. Remember how East Germany created that wall? Can we do something like that?

Congressman 2: Exactly, lets put a block at the TSA so they can't leave the country.

Chief Executive Officer of large US Company: You guys are totally ridiculous.

What if your company acted like the Government?

Setting:
XyZ Corp HR Department. John is reviewing his first pay check with the HR person Bob.
Bob: John! Welcome to XyZ Corp! I hope your first month here was great! How can I help you today?
John: Yes, I just have a few questions on my pay check.
Bob: Aw, every new hire has those questions! Just sit down and lets review your pay.
John: Yes, when I was hired you promised me 2 thousand dollars a month.
Bob: Right, so 35% comes out for taxes and Social Security, and FICA.
John: Thats normal, I am fine with that. But what are all these vouchers?
Bob: Right, you get vouchers for most of your pay to ensure that you spend your money the most responsible way.
John: Huh??
Bob: This one for $50 is for the gym.
John: What?
Bob: And this one is a debit card that you can only buy fresh fruits and vegetables at the store.
John: You've got to be kidding me. What about this one for 200 dollars?
Bob: Well John, we've noticed that your just not very motivated to get into shape, so this is for a personal trainer.
John: Basically your spending all my money for me. I have hardly any free money to buy what I want.
Bob: John! Studies show that people left on their own buy things that are unhealthy.
John: Wow, what about this one? 1000
Bob: Thats for your new eco friendly all green zero emissions apartment rent.
John: But thats soo much! That leaves me only 50 dollars left. I still need to buy gas for my car!
Bob: No, actually, we need you to use a bicycle from now on, its much better for the planet and you.
John: Gez, I guess Ill use my last 50 bucks to buy some beer and pizza.
Bob: well actually, I was going to tell you that we are asking for donations to our favorite charity of $50. So please pay up now.

Another way a religious riot can end

Life of Brian
Setting : in front of Monty Python building.
Rioters hold signs that say, "don't make fun of Jesus" and
"Life of Brian is Blasphemy"
Rioter 1: you know, God will punish these heathen for blasphemy.
Rioter 2: exactly! We should break their windows.
Rioter 1: yeah!
They both pick up stones and get ready to throw them.
Voice from Heaven: let the first without sin cast the first stone.
Rioter 1: woah! Did you hear that??
Rioter 2: dude! I think it was god!!!
Rioter 1: these guys insulted you,
lord!! We have to punish them.
Voice from Heaven:
But I say unto you, That you resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also.
Rioter 2: but we can't let them get away with this. We need revenge!
Voice from Heaven:
To me belongs vengeance, and recompense; their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste.
Rioter 1: well gee. What can we do then?
Voice from Heaven:
If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men.
Rioter 1: oh, we'll that's not very exciting.
Rioter 2: I guess we should go home then.
Rioter 1: I guess so.

Obama Economic Strategy Meeting

Obama Economic Strategy Meeting

Obama: Alan, We need a way to boost the economy so we can get the jobs numbers up so people will vote for me.
Alan Krueger: I have a great idea!
Obama: Lay it on me.
Alan: We need Jobs!
Obama: Exactly
Alan: We create a new department called, "Homeland Beatification"
Obama: Nice, a whole department that's job is to make America beautiful.
Alan: Right. It uses social networking sites like FB and Pinterest to organize groups of people. Each group proposes beautification projects in their home towns, cities, states or even somewhere else. Then a board you appoint will give the top thousand money to do their projects!
Obama: Wow, If every group had 10 people, thats 10 thousand new jobs!
Alan: Its making America beautiful and creating jobs. Its just win win win.
Obama: Just one question, how can we pay for it?
Alan: We tax the rich suckers!!
Obama: Perfect!
Alan: Btw, I got this idea from the Home Improvement Consortium of America, and they are going to love all the extra business.
Obama: Wonderful, how much did they give to my PAC?
Alan: 1 Million!
Obama: Fist Pump!

How not to sell something

Setting: Gym.
Hard core fitness woman with 5 extra pounds walks into the gym.
Personal Trainer: Hi, do you want a free personal training session?
Woman: Sure.

They sit down and he brings out a form. He begins to read it to her:
Personal Trainer: How many times have you started a diet and training program and quit?
Woman: I've always come to the gym or worked out my whole life. I've never dieted. I am here at the gym several times a week.
Personal Trainer: Do you find it very difficult to be motivated to workout?
Woman: Nope
Personal Trainer: Do you find yourself slipping off a diet and gaining extra weight.
Woman: No. I've lost 10 lbs in the last month.
Personal Trainer: Do you get discouraged from not having success in  your training?
Woman: Well I do want to lose 5 more lbs.
Personal Trainer: Sounds like you need a personal trainer!
Woman: Ok....
Personal Trainer: Let me bring in my Personal Training Manager to see what kind of deal you can get.
Woman: Ok....
The Personal Training Manager walks over and shakes the Woman's hand. He glances at the form the Personal Trainer filled out.
Personal Trainer Manager: So are you ready to take your fitness seriously? You've been wasting your time until now.
Woman: Really? I have???
Personal Trainer Manager: You need to stop wasting your life and get your self on a training program to see the results you need.
Woman: Well, I do want to lose 5 lbs.
Personal Trainer Manager: Looks like you just keep dropping your diet and fitness programs, now its time to make a change.
Woman: Not really.
Personal Trainer Manager: Here are our prices.
Woman looks over a sheet. It’s VERY Expensive.
Woman: I can't afford that. Why don't I just have a few sessions so you guys can teach me some techniques?
Personal Trainer Manager: No we can't do that. You have to sign up for six months or a year.
Woman: How about I come once a month, then I'll practice on my own.
Personal Trainer Manager: You can't just see a technique once and think you'll remember it! You'll just quit like before. Its time to stop spinning your wheels!
Woman: I don't think your paying attention. I come here all the time. I just need some techniques and I will remember! You’re not even listening to what I am saying. I've never fallen off any diet and exercise program.

Personal Trainer Manager: I've got to go take a call. I'll be back.

Woman gets up and leaves.

Robot Barbers only date robot girls

Setting:
Barber Shop in 2020

The two robots are cutting hair. We see them from behind.

Robot Barber 1001: Human barbers get days off.
Robot Barber 1002: Humans get a lot of things that we Robots don't get.
Robot Barber 1001: Human barbers take lunch breaks
Robot Barber 1002: Humans have to eat. We don't have that weakness.
Robot Barber 1001: Human barbers have to get their own hair cut
Robot Barber 1002: Robot series 1000 does not have hair that grows. Only Robot series 2000.
We see a view from the side. We see that there are two robots girls getting their hair cut.
Robot Girl 2001: Human girls can't control the length and color of their hair.
Robot Girl 2002: Humans have no control over their biological features unless they use chemicals.
Robot Girl 2001: Human girls have to diet and exercise.
Robot Girl 2002: Humans are subject to hunger and overeating.
Robot Girl 2001: Human girls often get broken hearts over men who treat them cruelly.
Robot Girl 2002: Humans have no control over their selfishness and lust.

We see a human girl walk in and a human barber walks over and starts cutting her hair.
Girl looks over at the Robot Barbers.
Girl 1: Robots act so respectful and charming, plus they always look perfect.
Barber: Don't get your hopes up, those Robot Barbers only date robot girls.

Communist Paradise

Setting: Road in very small town in central China. Husband and wife are professors of political science from USA and are visiting China for a research project. They've just arrived the night before and this is their first visit to the town.

Husband: oh here's a store up here on the right.
Wife: you know China is such a special place. One of the last holdouts of the wonderful communism.
Husband: it's too bad they've diluted it with so much consumerism. If only they'd have stuck to central planning, we could have really seen what communism can do!
Wife: exactly.

Wife: After that long flight I really need some fresh oranges.
Husband: I absolutely need some Marlboro cigarettes. I can't believe I forgot to bring more.

They walk into the store.

Inside they start searching for what they want.
cashier: nin hao.
Wife: do you have oranges?
Husband: do you have Marlboro ?
Cashier: Bu.
Husband ( to wife): bu means no.
Wife: no? How can they not have oranges?

She pulled out her phone and looked up a picture. She showed it to him
Cashier: Bu
Husband: here's what Marlboro look like. It's my last package.
Cashier: Bu.

He points to some other types of brands of cigarettes and some packages of dried figs.
Husband: I guess we should try another store
Wife: I guess.
Cashier: no other store
Husband: damn communism
Wife: double damn it!!

Amish town meeting

Setting:
Amish town meeting.
Abraham: I call this meeting to order. On our agenda today: we need to raise two barns this week. Also Nehemiah wants us to bless his engagement to Mary.
Anna: I'd like to make an announcement.
Abraham: sure.
Anna: (in the far right corner of the audience) so glad Nehemiah decided up finally settle down and get married.
Abraham: I think he only courted you and Mary, with the blessing of the brethren, of course.
Anna: well he should just settle on Mary because she's very humble and meek.
Abraham: anyone else have any comments before we bless this engagement.
Anna: Fine!!! If no one else will say it I will. I sure everyone is happy to see him happily wed to a nice plain girl like Mary. No doubt they'll have lots of plain children.
Nehemiah: ( from the far left of the audience) Mary is not that plain! She's
got hair that perfectly stays in a braid! That's a very good quality!
Anna: And she's got the personally of a nat.
(they both take a few steps closer)
Nehemiah: she's very focused on God.
Anna: like I wasn't? But at least I have a sense of humor.
Nehemiah: your are way too opinionated!
(they both take a few steps closer)
Anna: because I told you that your farming was not optimal?
Nehemiah: you have far too many of your own ideas!
(they both are nose to nose shouting )
Anna: you know you like a woman with her own ideas but you are too proud to admit it!
Nehemiah: I am not too proud!!
(they kiss)
Abraham: ok well I that case, I am not blessing the engagement then. Let's talk about the barns now.

Obama 2012 Election Campaign Strategy Meeting

Setting: Obama 2012 Election Campaign Strategy Meeting
David Plouffe: You poll really well with woman.
Obama: Alright!
David: But your approval rating is still only 47%.
Obama: Uhg.
David: But don't worry, I have a new campaign strategy.
Obama: Hit me!
David: We need to get to the heart of woman.
Obama: Alright! How?
David: Mothers day.
Obama: Huh?
David: We give every mother a mothers day present!
Obama: Woah.
David: Yeah, exactly. It shows we really care about mothers. You know a lot of families can't afford to give their mothers a gift.
Obama: What shall we give them?
David: I think a $25 gift card to a local spa would be great.
Obama: Nice.....
David: The AD will have a Mom see the other Mom's get gifts and she will look sad. Then she opens her mail box and theres the card from you!
Obama: What a nice guy I am. This will help my numbers a lot.
Obama: Not to get all downers on you, but how are we going to pay for it?
David: No worries! We will tax the rich suckers!
Obama: Yay!!!
David: My pals at the Spa Owner's Alliance are going to love this boost to their business! Your totally going to get over 50% of the vote.
Obama: What was their donation to my PAC?
David: 2 Million!
Obama: You rock. Fist Pump!

Why Gyms are Dumb

Setting: Doctors Office
Two men sit next to each other.
Man 1: I see you have a gym tag on your keys.
Man 2: Yeah, I love LA Fitness. I am there all the time!
Man 1: I think gyms are such a waste of money.
Man 2: Oh?
Man 1: Yes, you can just run out side, or find some stairs to climb in a building, or even do sit ups and push ups in your own house.
Man 2: Thats true, so what are you here for?
Man 1: I have diabetes.
Man 2: Oh boy, so you must have to work out a lot then.
Man 1: If I could get motivated.
Man 2: Oh, have you thought about joining a gym?
Man 1: Never! Thats a waste of money!

A Lucky Break?

Setting: Prison cell on death row.
An earthquake has just been announced and all the men suddenly start hearing a loud sound. The whole prison starts to shake.
Bob: (holding onto the bars) We are going to die
Ted: (Laying in his bed) We are going to die anyways.
Bob: How can you just lay there. We are going to die.
Some breaks start appearing in the wall.
Ted: Oh look at this.
The break gets bigger and light rushes through the cell.
Bob: we need to save our selves
Ted: Its stopping. Lets go.
Ted crawls out the space. Bob looks back and forth from the cell to the outside.
He climbs out too. They are outside the prison. There is a forest only 10 feet from their hole. They both start running into it. They run for a long time.
Bob: We are saved! I am going to start over! I am going to college. I am going to make something of my life.
Ted: We first need to get some money, Fool. I know a good bank we can rob in a town near by.
Bob: Good idea!
Two days later at death row.
Bob: (Standing holding the bars looking depressed) We are going to die.
Ted: We sure are.

Kitchen of Mr and Mrs Timeus in Greece circa 2007

Setting: Kitchen of Mr and Mrs Timeus in Greece circa 2007
Mrs Timeus: I was just talking to my sister
Mr Timeus: She called from US?
Mrs : Yes, its morning there still
Mr: How's she like her new job?
Mrs: She gets only 2 weeks of vacation
Mr: What???
Mrs: And she won't even be able to take a day off for months and months!
Mr: Is that legal?
Mrs: I guess. She said that theres no retirement, and she has to wait till shes 65 to collect what they call "Social Security" and its hardly anything.
Mr: What will she do?
Mrs: They have a personal investing system called 401J or something, and she has to save her own money.
Mr: Whats going on with that country! So what is she going to do? Is she really going to put up with such a backwards system?
Mrs: Probably not. She's thinking about moving back because at least our economey shows that our system is better.

Fiat Money

Fiat Money

Setting: Acient Egypt

Pharaoh: Asker, you are my most loyal cheif accountant, please tell me, how do we get out of our terrible national defecit?

Asker: May you live for ever my lord, our stores of gold and silver are empty, but still we must pay the soldiers and the managers. Not even mentioning our debts to the four united kings to the south for assisting us in our latest battles.

Pharaoh: Aw, yes, but you haven't even mentioned aquiring new slaves to continue working on my wonderful sphinx. Do you know how the other kings will laugh at me if I don't finish it before I die???

Asker: May you live for ever my lord, we need many more slaves but slave catchers are demanding more and more money! Its very difficult to keep up.

Pharaoh: this is disturbing my sleep and I am troubled in my dreams.
Asker: May you live for ever my lord, what type of dreams are you having?
Pharaoh: there is a large golden cafe and I am feeding it gold and it keeps asking for more and stamping it's feet when I run out. Then I started feeding it papyrus, and then it was happy.
Asker: May you live for ever my lord, this is a sign.
Pharaoh: what?
Asker: May you live for ever my lord, it means we need use papyrus IOU's instead of gold and promise to hand over the gold on request.
Pharaoh: but, we both know there is no more gold.
Asker: May you live for ever my lord, Only you and I know there's no more gold! people trust us.
Pharaoh: it could never work
Asker: May you live for ever my lord, your dream was from the gods, it must work!
Pharaoh: fine, we shall issue papyrus in place of gold and silver. Make it so.
Asker: May you live for ever my lord, Then we can spend as much as we want. This is brilliant.
Pharaoh: This means that I can build a bigger sphinx!
Asker: May you live for ever my lord, We can hire a new set of government servants to help me run things.
Pharaoh: we can have a huge ball in honor of my birthday.
Asker: May you live for ever my lord, we could start a system that will care for our citizens from cradle to grave.
Pharaoh: excellent. Please draw up the prototype for this, shall we call it fiat money.
Asker: May you live for ever my lord, I will do as you say.

Four More Years?

Setting:
A college aged man with a scruffy beard and long hair lays on a bed in a unpainted basement. The clock near him reads 3pm. He gazes at the faded Hope Obama poster on his wall.
Theres a knock on the door
He opens it.
Mandy Smith: Sam, are you napping?
Sam: Did you want to unbreak my heart?
Mandy Smith: No, I just wanted to get my poster back.
Sam: That poster is about hope. About a better future.
Mandy Smith: I am going to take it down.
She walks over to the poster, but he steps in front of her.
Sam: When we met at that rally I thought things would be different.
Mandy Smith: Until you start taking responsibility for your mistakes, all your future girlfriends will breakup with you like all of your previous.
She reaches up past him to pull the poster's corner. He pushes her hand.
Sam: But I want to do good! We can have a better relationship.
Mandy: No, we can't.
Sam: Yes We Can.
She pushes his hand away and jumps on his bed and starts to pull it down gently.
Sam jumps on the bed too and grabs her hand.
Sam: You need to give me one more chance, this time I'll keep my promises. I'll show up on time. I won't use the silent treatment. I won't borrow your money and waste it.
Mandy: Get out of my way.
Mandy squeezes past him and pulls the poster down. Sam grabs her from behind holding her.
Sam: Please please, please, Just give me four more years.
Mandy: Get off my back already!
She jumps off the bed and he lets her go. Then she holds the poster up.
Mandy: I gave you a chance. I thought you'd be different I had such dreams of what we could do together, but you ended up being like all the rest, and maybe even worse! Its over.
Mandy tears the poster in half. Sam jumps down and runs over to it. She drops it on the ground and turns and leaves.
He kneels down picking up the pieces and crying.

Coke

Setting: Central park NYC @ 1am
Man wearing dark hoody walks back and forth nervously. He has a large bag on the ground.
Second man approaching carefully looking all around.

1st man: you looking for a good time?
2nd man: yeah. But do you have enough to satisfy?
1st man: your not a cop?
2nd man: of course not! Now what do you have?
1st man: I've got it all!
2nd: good because I am so thirsty.
1st man: yes, now I've got big gulp sprite.
2nd: pfffft! I need something with more kick! I am leaving!
1st man: oh! No I've also got a dr pepper big gulp.
2nd man: naw, I want the Real thing!!! I am outtie.
1st man: no no no! I've got what you want: coke big gulp.
2nd: are you sure it's not an x brand version??
1st man: no way, I'd never do you like that! I've got a reputation.
2nd: ok. Show me the goods.
1st man: show me the Benjamin's,
2nd: woah! How much is this going to set me back!
1st man:
Oh sorry, I like calling them benjamins, but it's really only $20 bucks.
2nd: well call them Jackson's! Dude! You almost gave me a heart attack. 20 bucks is still expensive.
1st man: it's a risky business. I could be fined for selling you this much soda!
2nd: fine, here.
1st man: heres your big gulp! Enjoy and don't call me if you get diabetes.
2nd: ha!! Sure, take it easy man.

The Prostate Exam

I will be writing 30 sketches in 30 days as part of sketch writing month.

Just to warm up here is my first

Warning!! This is for mature audiences only!!


The Prostate Exam
Man goes into the prostate exam room.
Man: dr, I've been having problems urinating.
Dr: very interesting! and any problems giving happiness to your wife?
Man: uh (embarrassed) yes.
Dr: ok.
Dr gently has the man bend over and does exam
Dr: looks like your prostate is irritated probably by too much coffee.
Dr: ok, take these pills three times a day for two weeks and watch this how to give happiness to your wife video!l