Parent Teacher Conference

In Teachers Office
Teacher Linda Wilson.
Father Tom Smith.
Mother Katie Smith.

Linda: Welcome! It's so nice to finally meet you both.

Tom: Thanks.

Katie: Thanks.

Linda: Well I guess we better get right to the main point. Your 10 year old son, Timmy has been getting into fights in class.

Tom: Oh wow.

Katie: Oh My.

Linda: Yes, it's quite bad.

Tom: Would you say these kids were mostly older boys?

Linda: Yes, they were actually.

Tom: And bigger?

Katie: Timmy is such a tiny child.

Linda: Yes they were bigger.

Katie: Was anyone hurt seriously?

Tom: Do you have photos of the aftermath?

Linda: hmm. No one was hurt very much.

Tom: We can work with him on this.

Linda: Excellent! What do you plan to do?

Katie: Well, I mean it's all about discipline and focus.

Tom: Exactly, we need to train him more.

Linda: Train him to not get into fights?

Tom: No, of course not, train him how to really put a hurt on those bigger boys.

Katie: Exactly. I'll talk to his martial arts teacher about upping his training.

Linda: Oh my goodness! We can't have fighting in our school.

Katie: He is tiny. He has to learn now. This is the place to learn, right dear?

Tom: Yes. We also, want to get photos next time. Otherwise how do we know if he is getting better?

SocialNetworkVille

Two 13 year-old girls sitting in one of their bedrooms covered in One Direction Posters.

Madison: OMG, You didn't accept my SocialNetworkVille facebook game request.

Avery: Oh, I am so sorry. I must have missed it.

Avery pulls her phone out and accepts the request.

Madison: Thank you! Now we can do social network stuff together.

Avery: What is this game?

Madison: Its like a game where you can like ask your friends stuff and flirt. If the person likes your flirting or jokes or stuff, you get points. And its like a gameification of friendship, so you can like, win.

Avery: Nice! OMG, Its like what Facebook was SUPPOSE to be. Gosh, this is awesome.

Girls start playing on it.

Madison: Did you see that awesome joke I just wrote?

Avery: Yeah.

Madison:  Can you click Like? I really want to get more points.

Avery: I didn't really like it that much.

Madison:  Oh GOSH, Your my BFF. You have to just click Like. Don't you want me to win?

Avery: But I feel I should be Honest too, yah know, come on. I should only click like if I actually liked it.

Madison: What the. I can't EVEN. Wow. I thought you were my BFF FOR LIFE. You know, YOu should at least click LIKE on my JOKE SocialNetworkVILLE. GOSH.

Avery: I want to only like things that are ACTUALLY FUNNY. I am unfriending you.

Madison: OMG NO!! I'll LOSE Like A Billion Points if I LOSE EVEN ONE FRIEND.

Avery: Done. Unfriended. Why don't we get some ice cream.

Madison:  Fine. Lets go.

Too Much in Common

Two 33 year old middle class women at a local tea shop.

Amy: I am so glad we finally got to meet to what we have in common after sorta knowing each other from book club.

Denise: Yes! Me too!! You seem so cool!

Amy: you seem so awesome! I think we will have so much in common!

Denise: so let's start with work.

What do you do?

Amy: I am a lawyer , and you?

Denise: OMG I am a lawyer too!!!

Amy: what kind? I am a corp law attorney.

Denise: me too!!!! OMG

Amy: wow!! where do you work?? I work at Edwards and Franklin associates.

Denise:oh shoot I work at Thomas and Howard associates. Your competitor.

Amy: oh crap, that sucks. Well let's change the subject.

Denise: yes what type of hobbies do you have?

Amy: I love singing

Denise: OMG!! Me too!!! What kind of music?

Amy: folk, you??? 

Denise: no crap!! I love folk too!!!! OMG

Amy: what kind!?! I love blue grass.

Denise: OMG! Me too!!! What type?

Amy: new age blue grass

Denise: what!!! Blaspheme!! I only sing original blue grass! You guys are ruining blue grass!

Amy: your ruining blue grass by not letting it grow and develop for a new generation!!!

Denise: let's change the subject , how about food?

Amy: good call

Denise: I am a vegan.

Amy: me too! Do you use oil? I don't.

Denise:  oh man! Oil is a critical life essential, how could you miss that critical fact!! Your killing your self!

Amy:  oil is a poison, you are killing your self. I really can't see eye to eye on anything with you.

Denise: yeah, we could never be friends. We have way too much in common.

The Perfect Woman

A beautiful young woman with a beautiful young man stand in the kitchen middle-class house.

They kiss.

Mary : I love you Sam.

Sam: one day I'm gonna find the perfect woman who really completes me.

Mary: I made you your favorite breakfast

Sam eats The breakfast

Sam: she's going to be half Asian and half Icelandic.

Mary: I painted this painting of you to capture the way the moonlight shines in your eyes

Sam: she's going to speak five different languages and have a PhD in psychological biology.

Mary: I canceled my upcoming vacation so that I can stay home and watch your dogs when you go out of town for work

Sam: she's going to be 5'5 110 pounds and have won a yoga championship.

Mary: I updated your resume so that in case that job comes open you'll be ready for it.

Sam: She'll have parents who were in the Peace Corps and took her to live in eight different countries

Mary: I planned to romantic dinner tonight candles for a bath. When ever you get out of work I'll be ready.

Sam: when I finally meet my perfect woman she and I are going to have such a great life together. I will be so happy and fulfilled.

Mary: okay well I'm headed into court for a big case that I'm prosecuting today against a child murderer. I'll see you when you get home dear. I love you so much.

Sam: sure Mary thanks

Naturals

Location: Coffee Shop

Mark: I am so broke.

Sam: Me too.

Mark: I read 15 books on saving and investing, but I just spend everything as soon as I can, and then more on my credit card.

Sam: I didn’t read any books on it. I just naturally spend everything as soon as I can and use my credit card.

Mark: People like you make me so mad.

Sam: Why?

Mark: Because I had to study hard so I would still do the wrong things, you just do them naturally!!! I bet you haven’t even read any books on exercise or eating healthy.

Sam: Exactly I never read a book on exercise or eating, and I am overweight, pre-diabetes, and I have high cholesterol.

Mark: I read all those books and I also am overweight and pre-diabetes. Why do I waste my time?

Sam: Right. Why do you?

The Cure for a Broken Heart

Location: Emergency Room at the Reception Desk

Woman: I need to be admitted.

Receptionist: What is the nature of your emergency?

Woman: My heart hurts.

Receptionist: Let me get a doctor right away

Doctor: Tell me about your symptoms.

Woman: My heart hurts.

Doctor: Is it stabbing pains?

Woman: Yes. It feels like someone stabbed me in the heart.

Doctor: Do you have a squeezing pain?

Woman: Yes I feel like someone is wringing my heart out.

Doctor: This is serious. Do you have throbbing pain?

Woman: Yes, I have throbbing pain emanating from my heart to the rest of my body.

Doctor: Tell me about your breathing.

Woman: I can barely breath. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. Its heavy.

Doctor: How long have you had this?

Woman: Since Sunday when my fiancé broke up with me, so about 10am.

Doctor: Oh my, this is worse than I thought. Why did you wait 4 days before you came in?

Woman: I thought it might go away.

Doctor: It never goes away. Let me get you hooked up on a drip of medication.

Woman is hooked up to drip machine.

Woman: Dr, What are you giving me.

Doctor: It’s a mixture of the following: exercise, Sad Music, good friends, ice cream, and distractions.

Woman relaxes visibly.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Woman: I am already starting to feel better.

Doctor: You shouldn’t have waited so long, mam. You need to have more self respect.

Woman: Oh Doctor, thank you so much. The pain is easing up and I can breath again.

Doctor: Good! You just stay on the drip for a few hours. I’ll write you a prescription of heart breaking chic flicks and p90x to take home with you. You’ll be right as rain in a few weeks.

Limited Commemorative Elvis Stamps

Location: Us Post office

 

Post office cashier: Next

Woman:  Hello, am I too late to get the limited commemorative Elvis stamps?

Post office cashier: Oh mam, I am so sorry, I don’t’ know how to tell you this, but we sold the last one just moments ago.

Woman: No, you are mistake. Go look again. You probably have another case of them.

Post office cashier: Seriously, I double checked already.

Woman:  You are a professional, check again. I just don’t believe that you could have really sold the last one.

Post office cashier: Mam, this is my Job. I know exactly how many Elvis stamps we had. I know we just sold the last one.

Woman:  Let me back there and let me try to look for it myself.

Post office cashier: You are not a US post office official, mam, you are not qualified to search.

Woman throws her arms in the air:  You made a mistake, Sir. You should plan better and have enough stamps to meet demand.  I hold you responsible for this calamity.

Post office cashier: Mam, they were limited run Elvis stamps. By nature we printed less than demand would require. This is just what happens to all limited run stamps. I’ve seen it happen many times. But I understand your grief and I have a hotline that you can call to get help.

Woman:  Well what if I could find someone who just walked out with the last one? Maybe I can buy it off the person. What did they look like?

Post office cashier: You can’t do that mam. Its rude.

Woman puts her hands over her face and cries: Oh the humanity!

Post office cashier: Mam, please take this hotline number. Call them. They are there to help you through this very common occurrence. They will help you.

Woman: I guess I just have to accept this as my fate. Thank you sir, you have been so patient with me.