INT - COLLEGE CLASS ROOM - DAY
Professor Simin, a 45 year old thin greying short balding man with a pooch - Accounting 101 course walks to the front of the class.
Professor Simin: Welcome to Accounting 101. You'll quickly learn that I am full of very interesting metaphors and analogies that will really make this subject come alive for you.
Accounting is like what your mom does when your mom keeps up with your girlfriends. Either you love it or you hate it. But either way good for you.
By the end of the class you'll really learn about how to read a cash flow sheet. Cash flow sheets are like when your mom, buys groceries and when you eat them, and then whatever is spent on waste management.
The Balance Sheet is a lot like when your mom is consumed with keeping track of the number of times you forgot to take out the trash and she reminds you constantly!
Class member 1:
Excuse me professor, I am failing to understand your metaphors and how they relate to accounting. I am going to be an accountant so I really need to understand it.
Professor Simin: Oh, sorry, sometimes I get carried away with my examples. I am glad that you are going to be an accountant. It is a very rewarding job with high pay and good job security.
Speaking of good job security, you will keep your job even if your mom comes out to your job and tells your boss that he needs to make sure that you eat your veggies and to not hang out with Larry that bad influence in accounts payable.
Class member 2: I am sorry, but you are distracting us from the subject again. Can you get back to the basics of accounting?
Professor Simin: Gosh, I apologize. Let me just bring in my mom to finish teaching. Shes tired of waiting in the closet.
Professor Simin opens the closet door and out comes a gray haired bent over little lady.
Mom: Ok Class, lets open our books to page 21, The Income Statement, This reminds me of how my son spends all his income on video games.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Draining People
INT - Restarant - Day
Three women sit and have lunch in a busy all you can eat salad place on a Thursday.
Suzanne: Jill just doesn't appreciate my efforts on her behalf.
Lynn: Oh, I am sorry sweetie, maybe its because Jealous of the time you spend with Bob.
Suzanne: Yeah, she definitely is. She really acts out when he and I leave her out of our conversations. But she also is very negative.
Laura: I hate negativity.
Lynn: Negativity is so draining.
Suzanne: She has a lot of issues with me going out without her.
Lynn: Thats so selfish. What does she think she's is?
Suzanne: Exactly, I think I give her so much of my attention and its not like shes the only person in my life.
Laura: We are here for your girl!
Suzanne: Ok, well when Jill's first birthday happens in two weeks you girls can come out and give me your support against that little brat so she doesn't take up all the attention.
Three women sit and have lunch in a busy all you can eat salad place on a Thursday.
Suzanne: Jill just doesn't appreciate my efforts on her behalf.
Lynn: Oh, I am sorry sweetie, maybe its because Jealous of the time you spend with Bob.
Suzanne: Yeah, she definitely is. She really acts out when he and I leave her out of our conversations. But she also is very negative.
Laura: I hate negativity.
Lynn: Negativity is so draining.
Suzanne: She has a lot of issues with me going out without her.
Lynn: Thats so selfish. What does she think she's is?
Suzanne: Exactly, I think I give her so much of my attention and its not like shes the only person in my life.
Laura: We are here for your girl!
Suzanne: Ok, well when Jill's first birthday happens in two weeks you girls can come out and give me your support against that little brat so she doesn't take up all the attention.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Lunch Time Announcement by and Ego Maniac
INT - Office Break Room - DAY
Henry:
I have announcement.
Jerry:
Oh no, not again.
Henry:
Yes, I know you are excited to hear it since last week when I announced the reason why I forgive you all for not getting me a "Best Coworker of the Month" gift last week' you all quickly ran out of the room to buy me something. I am still waiting for those gifts.
Susan:
Henry, please, give us a break. We are trying to eat lunch.
Henry:
This announcement is important and will impact your life today.
Larry:
Fine, just hurry it up.
Henry:
Starting today, you may, if you wish, and I am sure you will wish to, put any and all chocolates, (dark swiss perferably) into this antique glass fish bowl which I've bought just for this purpose.
Susan:
Let me get this straight, you got a glass bowl for us to give you candy?
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT! (resuming regular volume) I have purchased an elegant fish bowl for the use of Dark Chocolate, not Candy, which I hate. So please start placing the Dark Chocolates in the bowl starting tomorrow at 8:15 am. Unless of course you have some ready to give me now, which I'll accept.
Jerry:
You want us to throw chocolates into your fishbowl?
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT, (resuming regular volume) Place the dark chocolates into the fish bowl gently. This is anique bowl made in Italy for the princess's favorite handmaid's daughter as a wedding gift. I bought it on ebay for $358.
Susan:
I think its ridiculous that you bought a $358 fish bowl for candy for your cube.
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT, (resuming regular volume) I think its ridiculous that you call The Henry Domain as a "Cube." The Henry Domain has many fineries which cost much more than $358, so please stop being silly.
Jerry:
Your the one who is silly Henry!
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT, (resuming regular volume) You are silly for not realizing my absolute brilliance in my plan. This ends my announcement. Please carry on with your foolish gossiping and chattering.
Henry:
I have announcement.
Jerry:
Oh no, not again.
Henry:
Yes, I know you are excited to hear it since last week when I announced the reason why I forgive you all for not getting me a "Best Coworker of the Month" gift last week' you all quickly ran out of the room to buy me something. I am still waiting for those gifts.
Susan:
Henry, please, give us a break. We are trying to eat lunch.
Henry:
This announcement is important and will impact your life today.
Larry:
Fine, just hurry it up.
Henry:
Starting today, you may, if you wish, and I am sure you will wish to, put any and all chocolates, (dark swiss perferably) into this antique glass fish bowl which I've bought just for this purpose.
Susan:
Let me get this straight, you got a glass bowl for us to give you candy?
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT! (resuming regular volume) I have purchased an elegant fish bowl for the use of Dark Chocolate, not Candy, which I hate. So please start placing the Dark Chocolates in the bowl starting tomorrow at 8:15 am. Unless of course you have some ready to give me now, which I'll accept.
Jerry:
You want us to throw chocolates into your fishbowl?
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT, (resuming regular volume) Place the dark chocolates into the fish bowl gently. This is anique bowl made in Italy for the princess's favorite handmaid's daughter as a wedding gift. I bought it on ebay for $358.
Susan:
I think its ridiculous that you bought a $358 fish bowl for candy for your cube.
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT, (resuming regular volume) I think its ridiculous that you call The Henry Domain as a "Cube." The Henry Domain has many fineries which cost much more than $358, so please stop being silly.
Jerry:
Your the one who is silly Henry!
Henry:
(Loudly) INCORRECT, (resuming regular volume) You are silly for not realizing my absolute brilliance in my plan. This ends my announcement. Please carry on with your foolish gossiping and chattering.
Fashion Critic at a Celebrity Murder Trial
INT - COURT HOUSE - Evening
Trisha Pardashian is on trial for the murder of her boy friend Lar Rinn.
Jill Fruche is a fashion critic and she is covering the trial.
Atfer the first day of trial, Jill is being interviewed by Ralph the Channel 9 News reporter.
Ralph:
Thanks Judy and Bob. As you said, I am here at the Court House for the trial of movie star, Trisha Pardashian for the murder of her movie star boyfriend Lar Rinn. I am here willl Jill Fruche, who is a fashion critic and actualy knows the defendant and the murder victim.
Ralph:
Jill, tell us what Trisha wore today.
Jill:
Trisha wore her famously indecent brand of clothing, Scarred Rose. She was decked out in a red lace blouse with a black leather bra under it. A black leather skirt with red lace hem. She wore red 5 inch heels.
Ralph:
What is your opinion of how she looked?
Jill:
She looked guilty, as I am sure she will be found because she always treated Lar badly like he was a tankini from last season that she could throw away, until he came into fashion again. Then she'd play with his emotions.
Ralph: (nervously)
What I mean is, how do you think she looked as far as fashion.
Jill:
Trisha meant for the little red rose on her hat to imply she felt grief or loss over sweet innocent Lar's death, but I think it was too gawdy and actually indicated she was a slut and hoping to find a new boy friend. In fact I thinks when she dropped her small clutch on the judge she was flirting with him.
Ralph:
Wouldn't it be better to let the jury decide if shes guilty?
Jill:
I know for sure shes guilty, and those badly dressed imbeciles in the jury box need to make sure that Trisha fries for murder.
Ralph:
How do you know she is guilty?
Jill:
Its so obvious by the way she struts along in those heels. What kind of woman grieving would where shoes like that and shake her butt like that?
Ralph:
What about the jury, hows their fashion?
Jill:
Those twelve rednecks were wearing cloths from last season at best and 10 to 15 years ago at worst. They wouldn't make it in the real world if they tried. And if they don't take into account that the murder weapon was in Trisha's handbag, they are worse than I had expected. I mean, come on, the evidence is so clear that Trisha had went to Lar's house, killed him with the turkey knife he keeps in the middle drawer, then she went home put the knife in her bag and got seriously drunk so that when the maid found her in the morning she'd have an alibi.
Ralph:
You seem to know a lot about the murder, and today is only the first day.
Jill:
I am just reading the evidence from the fashion, and I am very well equipt to read these folks because I've spent so much time at their parties being ignored as I sat in the corner. I know now they won't be ignoring me. Take that Trisha, you whore!
Ralph:
Wow, well this is Ralph covering the Trial of Trisha Pardashian, but if you ask me, we have the wrong woman on Trial. I think Jill is guilty based on her anger and jealousy and knowledge of the murder.
Jill:
Hey, you jerk, Do you want to end up like Lar? You better shut your yap. You dress like a farm hand.
Ralph:
Ack! Back to you Judy and Bob.
He runs away and she chases him.
Trisha Pardashian is on trial for the murder of her boy friend Lar Rinn.
Jill Fruche is a fashion critic and she is covering the trial.
Atfer the first day of trial, Jill is being interviewed by Ralph the Channel 9 News reporter.
Ralph:
Thanks Judy and Bob. As you said, I am here at the Court House for the trial of movie star, Trisha Pardashian for the murder of her movie star boyfriend Lar Rinn. I am here willl Jill Fruche, who is a fashion critic and actualy knows the defendant and the murder victim.
Ralph:
Jill, tell us what Trisha wore today.
Jill:
Trisha wore her famously indecent brand of clothing, Scarred Rose. She was decked out in a red lace blouse with a black leather bra under it. A black leather skirt with red lace hem. She wore red 5 inch heels.
Ralph:
What is your opinion of how she looked?
Jill:
She looked guilty, as I am sure she will be found because she always treated Lar badly like he was a tankini from last season that she could throw away, until he came into fashion again. Then she'd play with his emotions.
Ralph: (nervously)
What I mean is, how do you think she looked as far as fashion.
Jill:
Trisha meant for the little red rose on her hat to imply she felt grief or loss over sweet innocent Lar's death, but I think it was too gawdy and actually indicated she was a slut and hoping to find a new boy friend. In fact I thinks when she dropped her small clutch on the judge she was flirting with him.
Ralph:
Wouldn't it be better to let the jury decide if shes guilty?
Jill:
I know for sure shes guilty, and those badly dressed imbeciles in the jury box need to make sure that Trisha fries for murder.
Ralph:
How do you know she is guilty?
Jill:
Its so obvious by the way she struts along in those heels. What kind of woman grieving would where shoes like that and shake her butt like that?
Ralph:
What about the jury, hows their fashion?
Jill:
Those twelve rednecks were wearing cloths from last season at best and 10 to 15 years ago at worst. They wouldn't make it in the real world if they tried. And if they don't take into account that the murder weapon was in Trisha's handbag, they are worse than I had expected. I mean, come on, the evidence is so clear that Trisha had went to Lar's house, killed him with the turkey knife he keeps in the middle drawer, then she went home put the knife in her bag and got seriously drunk so that when the maid found her in the morning she'd have an alibi.
Ralph:
You seem to know a lot about the murder, and today is only the first day.
Jill:
I am just reading the evidence from the fashion, and I am very well equipt to read these folks because I've spent so much time at their parties being ignored as I sat in the corner. I know now they won't be ignoring me. Take that Trisha, you whore!
Ralph:
Wow, well this is Ralph covering the Trial of Trisha Pardashian, but if you ask me, we have the wrong woman on Trial. I think Jill is guilty based on her anger and jealousy and knowledge of the murder.
Jill:
Hey, you jerk, Do you want to end up like Lar? You better shut your yap. You dress like a farm hand.
Ralph:
Ack! Back to you Judy and Bob.
He runs away and she chases him.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
The Moody Blues
INT - STUDIO RECORDING BOOTH in the mid 60's - LATE NIGHT
Sam, Joe, Henry, three musicians in their 20's with tie dye shirts, long beards, long hair. They just finished recording their first album.
Their manager comes in in a huff wearing a white satin suit.
Manager: Great album guys. Sounded great, but we have a bigger problem. The name we choose "The Moody Blues," is taken by another band. They are pretty popular so we can't use the same name or anything similar or we could get sued.
Sam: No way dude, they stole our name.
Manager: Well, no need to dwell on it. We need to find a new name.
Joe: How about "Blue Moods?"
Henry: Or even "Moods of Blue?"
Sam: How about "Blue Moody?"
Manager: Like I said I think we should try to pick something far from our original name to avoid a law suit.
Henry: Oh I see, so something really different.
Joe: Ohhh. I got it now.
Sam: Ok ok, how about "Blue Thoughts and Moods."
Joe: Or "Thoughts of Moodiness in Shades of Blue."
Henry: Ohh thats good, but whats even better is, "Feeling Blue, and Moody"
Manager: No guys, you are missing what I am saying. I am telling you that we need to drop the words, Moody and Blues. We need a totaly different direction. We don't want to get sued and pay millions of dollars.
Joe: Oh shoot, we were coming up with things that still were similar.
Henry: Ohh, I got you, we need to avoid Moody and Blues. I see.
Sam: Oh man, I feel so foolish making that mistake. I have one thats completely different: "Lying on the Couch with the Moody Blues."
Henry: Yeah, thats brilliant. I know, how about, "Sitting in a bathtub drinking my Moody Blues away"!
Joe: We are really on a roll, how about, "Hoping to die on the Moody Blue planet."
Henry: Thats the best so far!
Manager: You guys are idiots and I quit. (Leaves)
Joe: Gezz, he sure is moody.
Henry: He's got a bad case of the moody blues. Let's write a song about it called Nights in White Satin.
Sam, Joe, Henry, three musicians in their 20's with tie dye shirts, long beards, long hair. They just finished recording their first album.
Their manager comes in in a huff wearing a white satin suit.
Manager: Great album guys. Sounded great, but we have a bigger problem. The name we choose "The Moody Blues," is taken by another band. They are pretty popular so we can't use the same name or anything similar or we could get sued.
Sam: No way dude, they stole our name.
Manager: Well, no need to dwell on it. We need to find a new name.
Joe: How about "Blue Moods?"
Henry: Or even "Moods of Blue?"
Sam: How about "Blue Moody?"
Manager: Like I said I think we should try to pick something far from our original name to avoid a law suit.
Henry: Oh I see, so something really different.
Joe: Ohhh. I got it now.
Sam: Ok ok, how about "Blue Thoughts and Moods."
Joe: Or "Thoughts of Moodiness in Shades of Blue."
Henry: Ohh thats good, but whats even better is, "Feeling Blue, and Moody"
Manager: No guys, you are missing what I am saying. I am telling you that we need to drop the words, Moody and Blues. We need a totaly different direction. We don't want to get sued and pay millions of dollars.
Joe: Oh shoot, we were coming up with things that still were similar.
Henry: Ohh, I got you, we need to avoid Moody and Blues. I see.
Sam: Oh man, I feel so foolish making that mistake. I have one thats completely different: "Lying on the Couch with the Moody Blues."
Henry: Yeah, thats brilliant. I know, how about, "Sitting in a bathtub drinking my Moody Blues away"!
Joe: We are really on a roll, how about, "Hoping to die on the Moody Blue planet."
Henry: Thats the best so far!
Manager: You guys are idiots and I quit. (Leaves)
Joe: Gezz, he sure is moody.
Henry: He's got a bad case of the moody blues. Let's write a song about it called Nights in White Satin.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Bathroom Confession
Int - Bathroom - night
Woman is washing her hands when she hears a voice out side the door.
Man: dear, I am so sorry to do this to you when you are in the bathroom in our favorite Irish pub, but I need to get this off my chest.
She looks worried into the mirror.
Man: I am cheating in you, and I feel terrible.
She grasps the sink and stares into the mirror with panic.
Man: I feel like we aren't connecting and I met Judy at a bar and she made me feel special again.
Woman starts to cry.
Man: lately we haven't made love and I cry at night and you don't seem to notice.
Woman sobs.
Man: you dont even look at me an more.
Woman takes a deep breath and opens the door. She and the man look at eachother.
Man: Sorry, Ummm, hmm, guess this was the wrong bathroom.
Woman is washing her hands when she hears a voice out side the door.
Man: dear, I am so sorry to do this to you when you are in the bathroom in our favorite Irish pub, but I need to get this off my chest.
She looks worried into the mirror.
Man: I am cheating in you, and I feel terrible.
She grasps the sink and stares into the mirror with panic.
Man: I feel like we aren't connecting and I met Judy at a bar and she made me feel special again.
Woman starts to cry.
Man: lately we haven't made love and I cry at night and you don't seem to notice.
Woman sobs.
Man: you dont even look at me an more.
Woman takes a deep breath and opens the door. She and the man look at eachother.
Man: Sorry, Ummm, hmm, guess this was the wrong bathroom.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
The Man with all the Trophies
EXT - house - DAY
Janice - 30 year old woman.
Lucy - 40 year old woman.
Frank - 40 year old man.
Janice and Lucy walk up the front door of Frank's house after noticing him moving in yesterday. They knock.
Lucy:
Your husband tried to hit on me again, Janice.
Janice:
I am so sorry, Lucy. I wish I could find a way of telling him he is an ass.
Lucy:
Me too.
The door opens.
Janice:
Hello, my name is Janice, This is Lucy. We are your neighbors and I'd like to welcome you the neighborhood.
Frank:
Thank you. Do you want to come in? Its still messy, but its getting there.
Janice:
Sure.
They come in to the house. There are a few boxes sitting around on the floor but most of the house seems put together. The furnature is set up.
Then they walk ito the living room from the hall way. All the walls are covered in trophies. Each trophy is indicates the owner is the first place. Each trophy has a different activity frozen in gold.
One has a man perminatly frozen with a bowling ball suspended behind him. Another shows a fly fisher man casting his line. Another shows a man giving a speech.
The women go up to each one examining them. For a long time they just go one by one speechless.
Lucy:
Wow. You are quite something. I am amazed.
Janice:
Yes. How in the world do you do it.
Frank:
Well, I am a trophy designer and so I am very proud of each of my designs.
The women consider and nod.
Janice:
Can you make a trophy of anything?
Frank:
Yes, I often make them for friends for free.
The women consider and nod.
Janice:
Can you make me one for being first place cook at Springfield Cook off?
Frank:
Yes, of course!
Lucy:
I want one for being first place for Miss Springfield.
Frank:
Sure.
Janice:
I want one for my husband too. Can you do that?
Frank:
No problem. What do you want it to be for?
Janice:
First place Ass.
Janice - 30 year old woman.
Lucy - 40 year old woman.
Frank - 40 year old man.
Janice and Lucy walk up the front door of Frank's house after noticing him moving in yesterday. They knock.
Lucy:
Your husband tried to hit on me again, Janice.
Janice:
I am so sorry, Lucy. I wish I could find a way of telling him he is an ass.
Lucy:
Me too.
The door opens.
Janice:
Hello, my name is Janice, This is Lucy. We are your neighbors and I'd like to welcome you the neighborhood.
Frank:
Thank you. Do you want to come in? Its still messy, but its getting there.
Janice:
Sure.
They come in to the house. There are a few boxes sitting around on the floor but most of the house seems put together. The furnature is set up.
Then they walk ito the living room from the hall way. All the walls are covered in trophies. Each trophy is indicates the owner is the first place. Each trophy has a different activity frozen in gold.
One has a man perminatly frozen with a bowling ball suspended behind him. Another shows a fly fisher man casting his line. Another shows a man giving a speech.
The women go up to each one examining them. For a long time they just go one by one speechless.
Lucy:
Wow. You are quite something. I am amazed.
Janice:
Yes. How in the world do you do it.
Frank:
Well, I am a trophy designer and so I am very proud of each of my designs.
The women consider and nod.
Janice:
Can you make a trophy of anything?
Frank:
Yes, I often make them for friends for free.
The women consider and nod.
Janice:
Can you make me one for being first place cook at Springfield Cook off?
Frank:
Yes, of course!
Lucy:
I want one for being first place for Miss Springfield.
Frank:
Sure.
Janice:
I want one for my husband too. Can you do that?
Frank:
No problem. What do you want it to be for?
Janice:
First place Ass.
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