The Perfect Marriage

Two 20 something women sit in a Starbucks.
Jane: I can't wait to find the perfect man and get married and live happily ever after.
Gene: Me too. He will have green eyes and be very rich.
Jane: Mine will have blue eyes and will be very rich.
Gene: Yes and we will have 2 children. One boy named Addison, and one girl named Madison.
Jane: Oh nice, mine will be two girls named Avery and Ava. We are going to have a huge movie room and a huge walk in closet so I can put all my D&G and Bebe cloths.
Gene: My husband is going to go work in a huge office and have important meetings all day. I'll be able to stay home.
Jane: Mine will be an important government official and will have to travel a lot to meet world leaders. I also get to stay home and do important volunteer work.
Gene: Yes and we will live in a very nice gated community with a large pool in the back yard and a very very hot live in full time pool boy named Carlos.
Jane: Oh my live in full time pool boy is named Jose and he has long long black hair that he lets flow over his huge shoulders as he cleans and scrubs the pool all day.
Gene: Ohhh, Carlos has short hair, but he shaves symbols into it like a piece sign to match the large on one his chest.
Jane: Jose doesn't have any tattoos except one around his large shoulder, because it enhances it so so nicely.
Gene: Carlos will come in and have coffee with me and give me a massage because taking care of the kids makes my neck stiff.
Jane: Jose makes me coffee and then gives me a foot massage because my 5 inch heels make my toes cramp up.
Gene: Hmm. I just can't wait to get married.
Jane: Me too!

 

The Fear of Death

A middle class man and woman sit in a bar.

Woman: What do you think about death?

Man: It sux. What do think about it?

Woman: It means we have to enjoy every minute because this life won't last forever. It means that we need to not waste time because it doesn't last forever.

Man: It means everything you accomplished means nothing.

Woman: Which means that you should only do things because you want to do them, not because you are trying to impress someone else who won't even notice now or after you are long dead.

Man: Death is the end of all your hopes, dreams and wants.

Woman: Why not make your hopes and dreams and wants come true today? Why not live every moment and enjoy it.

Man: Death means that we can’t fix our mistakes.

Woman: Why not stop worrying about making mistakes and just savor each moment as a gift? Instead of being worried about the future, just thank God for the present moment.

 

Witness Protection For Those Ruined by Internet Rage

FBI Office of Witness Protection

Norma rushes into the office and finds a random FBI Agent and sits down in front of him.

Norma: Hello, I need to be put under Witness Protection

FBI Agent: Um, well that’s not normally how this is done. Why?

Norma: I posted something on twitter that started a movement called I hate Norma.

FBI Agent: What did you post?

Norma: I basically said that Ebola is Gods punishment on Africa for not reforming.

FBI Agent: Wow that’s terrible. You should be hated.

Norma: I know, it was late at night and I was drunk.

FBI Agent: No, gosh, that’s just terrible.

Norma: Fine. But can you put me under witness protection? I need a new identity.

FBI Agent: No, We can’t put you under witness Protection.

Norma: I can’t get a job.

FBI Agent: That’s not a reason to go under our program.

Norma: My life is over.

FBI Agent: We still can’t help you. This isn’t a job for us.

Norma: I have no idea what else to do.

FBI Agent: How about try not saying stupid things on twitter.

Norma: My life is ruined.

FBI Agent: For a good reason. You should probably leave now.

Norma: There is no hope for me then.

FBI Agent (types on his computer): Actually before you go, let me get a selfie with you and post it with the fact you came here. It’s going to get me so many new followers.

Family Dinner

Middle class family house.

Mom (text message to daughter): come downstairs for dinner.

Daughter (text message to mother):  Fine.

Daughter walks down stairs with iphone headphones on. They both sit at the table. Father sits down. All three have iphone head phones on and are looking intently at their screens.

Mom (text message to father): how was your day?

Father (text message to mother): stupid long and boring.

Father (text message to Daughter):  How was your day?  Did you learn something new?

Daughter (text message to father):  Fine. I did some algebra quiz and got the highest grade.

Father (text message to Daughter):  <3

Daughter (text message to mother):  dinner is awesome.

Mom (text message to daughter): tnx

Daughter (text message to mother):  no, tnx u mom.

Father (group msm  to mom and Daughter):  Great spending time with you guys. L8r.

They all get up and head off in their own directions.

 

 

Make the Most of your Misfortunes

Two 36 year old middle class women sitting in a local tea shop. They went to college together 16 years ago.

Lacy: I got fired this morning.

Sarah: Oh, I am so sorry.

Lacy: Yeah, Its really terrible, but a few friends who have sent my resume to their HR departments.

Sarah: Well that’s hopeful.

Lacy: Yeah, I should have a new job in a few weeks. Everyone wants my skills now a days.

Sarah: Well send me your resume and I’ll send it to my HR department too, I am not sure what kind of openings we have, but I’ll put in a good word

Lacy: That’s awesome. It’s cool having a college buddy like you.

Sarah: Well make sure that you take time to make use of this situation.

Lacy: What are you talking about? Like going to the beach or taking a cruise?

Sarah: No I mean like thinking about what you learned about life and your self from being fired.

Lacy: Huh? My employer sucks? That’s what I learned.

Sarah: No I mean like what did you learn about business or the bigger picture of the economy that were at play in your situation.

Lacy: what?

Sarah: Yeah, every misfortune has lessons to teach us.

Lacy: You are crazy.

Sarah: I was abandoned by parents when I was 8. I mined that misfortune for all it was worth.

Lacy: Like what?

Sarah: Like that I learned how to be a good parent to my own kids for one. I learned what love means and what it doesn’t mean. I learned to forgive others. I learned to survive on my own. I learned that no matter what happens to me in the future it can’t be as bad as what I’ve already gone through. Which means I have no fear and I take risks that pay of big a lot of times. That’s lead to great success in my career.

Lacy: So that’s your secret? You’re the CEO of one of the state’s most successful companies. And the reason why is because you were abandoned at 8?

Sarah: Well we all have our own misfortunes. You have to mine whatever your own misfortunes are.

Lacy: I’ll never be a CEO because my life has been pretty sweet so far.

Sarah: It’s all a matter of perspective. You can mine all your experiences for gold.

Lacy: Nah, my life can’t teach me anything. I’ll never be successful like you/

Sarah: I guess not.

 

Conversation GPS

Conversation GPS or CGPS is a system that whispers into your ear what to say next to achieve your goal in any conversation.

Outside the restaurant for Bobbie’s first date with a girl he met on OkCupid.

Bobbie: OK CGPS.

CGPS: Yes Bobbie. Please enter your conversation Destination.

Bobbie: I want to get this girl into my bed to have sex with me..

CGPS: Ok, Bobbie, let me make sure I have your destination correct: You want to seduce this woman. What is her name?

Bobbie: Sara James.

CGPS: I am looking up her entire social network information, one moment, calculating. I am now looking up her phone records and internet usage and cookies. Ok now I am checking her GPA and transcripts. Ok Bobbie. I have completely mapped out your route. Please enter the restaurant.

Bobbie enters the Restaurant, Olive Garden. He sees a slightly chubby woman who slightly resembles the woman from OK Cupid.

CGPS: Identity confirmed: Sara James. Please approach.

He approaches her.

CGPS: Say, Hi I am Bobbie, you must be Sara.

Bobbie: Hi, I am Bobbie. You must be sara.

Sara: Nice to meet you.

They shake.

CGPS: Say, You looks so much younger than your profile pic.

Bobbie: repeats CGPS.

Sara blushes.

Sara: You are so nice.

They follow a waiter to their table.

CGPS: Bobbie, pull out her chair.

He pulls out her chair and she sits smiling ear to ear shyly.

CGPS: Say, Tell me about your idea of happiness.

Bobbie repeats.

Sara: Being loved by someone for all of eternity.

Bobbie laughs.

Bobbie: Ha ha ha.

Sara turns bright red and scowls.

CGPS: Bobbie! Don’t Laugh! Say, I am so sorry, I just am in shock that you have the same idea of happiness that I have.

Bobbie repeats.

Sara smiles.

Sara: Really?

CGPS: Say, Yes, its all I’ve ever wanted.

Bobbie repeats.

Sara: That’s amazing. No men ever say things like that.

CGPS: Say, I care too much. I am such an emotionally available man. Most women just don’t want that much attention and affections.

Bobbie repeats.

Sara: Wow. Gosh, I don’t even know what to say.

The waiter takes their order and leaves.

CGPS: Tell me about an interesting childhood memory.

Bobbie repeats.

Sara: When I was 11 I got stranded in a row boat in a lake behind my house. I was stuck out there for hours. My paddles fell in and I couldn’t get back to shore.

Bobbie Laughs loudly.

Bobbie: Ha ha ha! Why didn’t you just swim to shore, are you a looser?

Sara looks shocked and hurt.

Sara: I was 11! I was scared.

CGPS: Bobbie!! Say, I am so sorry Sara. Then take her hand. I missed that you were 11. I feel terrible about laughing. You must have been terrified.

Bobbie repeats and takes her hand.

Sara smiles shily.

They eat. And make small talk about movies.

Bobbie: what do you say we go back to my place?

Sara looks shocked again.

Sara: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

CGPS: Bobbie! Say, I wanted to surprise you, but I wanted to show you my collection of love letters my father wrote to my mother while he was stationed over seas. I haven’t shared them with anyone else but you seem like such a kindred spirit.

Bobbie repeats.

Sara: Wow. That’s so romantic! I would be so honored to see them.

Bobbie and her go back to his apartment.

Sara: I was wondering if you’d ever put out.

Bobbie: What???

Sara: My CGPS-2000 kept telling me to act hard to get.  I finally  turned it off.

CGPS: What??? Blasphemy! She was using a newer version of me! She was too good.  It even told her to blush!

Bobbie: I feel used. Let me turn off my CGPS too. It’s so annoying.

 

 

 

Parent Teacher Conference

In Teachers Office
Teacher Linda Wilson.
Father Tom Smith.
Mother Katie Smith.

Linda: Welcome! It's so nice to finally meet you both.

Tom: Thanks.

Katie: Thanks.

Linda: Well I guess we better get right to the main point. Your 10 year old son, Timmy has been getting into fights in class.

Tom: Oh wow.

Katie: Oh My.

Linda: Yes, it's quite bad.

Tom: Would you say these kids were mostly older boys?

Linda: Yes, they were actually.

Tom: And bigger?

Katie: Timmy is such a tiny child.

Linda: Yes they were bigger.

Katie: Was anyone hurt seriously?

Tom: Do you have photos of the aftermath?

Linda: hmm. No one was hurt very much.

Tom: We can work with him on this.

Linda: Excellent! What do you plan to do?

Katie: Well, I mean it's all about discipline and focus.

Tom: Exactly, we need to train him more.

Linda: Train him to not get into fights?

Tom: No, of course not, train him how to really put a hurt on those bigger boys.

Katie: Exactly. I'll talk to his martial arts teacher about upping his training.

Linda: Oh my goodness! We can't have fighting in our school.

Katie: He is tiny. He has to learn now. This is the place to learn, right dear?

Tom: Yes. We also, want to get photos next time. Otherwise how do we know if he is getting better?

SocialNetworkVille

Two 13 year-old girls sitting in one of their bedrooms covered in One Direction Posters.

Madison: OMG, You didn't accept my SocialNetworkVille facebook game request.

Avery: Oh, I am so sorry. I must have missed it.

Avery pulls her phone out and accepts the request.

Madison: Thank you! Now we can do social network stuff together.

Avery: What is this game?

Madison: Its like a game where you can like ask your friends stuff and flirt. If the person likes your flirting or jokes or stuff, you get points. And its like a gameification of friendship, so you can like, win.

Avery: Nice! OMG, Its like what Facebook was SUPPOSE to be. Gosh, this is awesome.

Girls start playing on it.

Madison: Did you see that awesome joke I just wrote?

Avery: Yeah.

Madison:  Can you click Like? I really want to get more points.

Avery: I didn't really like it that much.

Madison:  Oh GOSH, Your my BFF. You have to just click Like. Don't you want me to win?

Avery: But I feel I should be Honest too, yah know, come on. I should only click like if I actually liked it.

Madison: What the. I can't EVEN. Wow. I thought you were my BFF FOR LIFE. You know, YOu should at least click LIKE on my JOKE SocialNetworkVILLE. GOSH.

Avery: I want to only like things that are ACTUALLY FUNNY. I am unfriending you.

Madison: OMG NO!! I'll LOSE Like A Billion Points if I LOSE EVEN ONE FRIEND.

Avery: Done. Unfriended. Why don't we get some ice cream.

Madison:  Fine. Lets go.

Too Much in Common

Two 33 year old middle class women at a local tea shop.

Amy: I am so glad we finally got to meet to what we have in common after sorta knowing each other from book club.

Denise: Yes! Me too!! You seem so cool!

Amy: you seem so awesome! I think we will have so much in common!

Denise: so let's start with work.

What do you do?

Amy: I am a lawyer , and you?

Denise: OMG I am a lawyer too!!!

Amy: what kind? I am a corp law attorney.

Denise: me too!!!! OMG

Amy: wow!! where do you work?? I work at Edwards and Franklin associates.

Denise:oh shoot I work at Thomas and Howard associates. Your competitor.

Amy: oh crap, that sucks. Well let's change the subject.

Denise: yes what type of hobbies do you have?

Amy: I love singing

Denise: OMG!! Me too!!! What kind of music?

Amy: folk, you??? 

Denise: no crap!! I love folk too!!!! OMG

Amy: what kind!?! I love blue grass.

Denise: OMG! Me too!!! What type?

Amy: new age blue grass

Denise: what!!! Blaspheme!! I only sing original blue grass! You guys are ruining blue grass!

Amy: your ruining blue grass by not letting it grow and develop for a new generation!!!

Denise: let's change the subject , how about food?

Amy: good call

Denise: I am a vegan.

Amy: me too! Do you use oil? I don't.

Denise:  oh man! Oil is a critical life essential, how could you miss that critical fact!! Your killing your self!

Amy:  oil is a poison, you are killing your self. I really can't see eye to eye on anything with you.

Denise: yeah, we could never be friends. We have way too much in common.

The Perfect Woman

A beautiful young woman with a beautiful young man stand in the kitchen middle-class house.

They kiss.

Mary : I love you Sam.

Sam: one day I'm gonna find the perfect woman who really completes me.

Mary: I made you your favorite breakfast

Sam eats The breakfast

Sam: she's going to be half Asian and half Icelandic.

Mary: I painted this painting of you to capture the way the moonlight shines in your eyes

Sam: she's going to speak five different languages and have a PhD in psychological biology.

Mary: I canceled my upcoming vacation so that I can stay home and watch your dogs when you go out of town for work

Sam: she's going to be 5'5 110 pounds and have won a yoga championship.

Mary: I updated your resume so that in case that job comes open you'll be ready for it.

Sam: She'll have parents who were in the Peace Corps and took her to live in eight different countries

Mary: I planned to romantic dinner tonight candles for a bath. When ever you get out of work I'll be ready.

Sam: when I finally meet my perfect woman she and I are going to have such a great life together. I will be so happy and fulfilled.

Mary: okay well I'm headed into court for a big case that I'm prosecuting today against a child murderer. I'll see you when you get home dear. I love you so much.

Sam: sure Mary thanks

Naturals

Location: Coffee Shop

Mark: I am so broke.

Sam: Me too.

Mark: I read 15 books on saving and investing, but I just spend everything as soon as I can, and then more on my credit card.

Sam: I didn’t read any books on it. I just naturally spend everything as soon as I can and use my credit card.

Mark: People like you make me so mad.

Sam: Why?

Mark: Because I had to study hard so I would still do the wrong things, you just do them naturally!!! I bet you haven’t even read any books on exercise or eating healthy.

Sam: Exactly I never read a book on exercise or eating, and I am overweight, pre-diabetes, and I have high cholesterol.

Mark: I read all those books and I also am overweight and pre-diabetes. Why do I waste my time?

Sam: Right. Why do you?

The Cure for a Broken Heart

Location: Emergency Room at the Reception Desk

Woman: I need to be admitted.

Receptionist: What is the nature of your emergency?

Woman: My heart hurts.

Receptionist: Let me get a doctor right away

Doctor: Tell me about your symptoms.

Woman: My heart hurts.

Doctor: Is it stabbing pains?

Woman: Yes. It feels like someone stabbed me in the heart.

Doctor: Do you have a squeezing pain?

Woman: Yes I feel like someone is wringing my heart out.

Doctor: This is serious. Do you have throbbing pain?

Woman: Yes, I have throbbing pain emanating from my heart to the rest of my body.

Doctor: Tell me about your breathing.

Woman: I can barely breath. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. Its heavy.

Doctor: How long have you had this?

Woman: Since Sunday when my fiancé broke up with me, so about 10am.

Doctor: Oh my, this is worse than I thought. Why did you wait 4 days before you came in?

Woman: I thought it might go away.

Doctor: It never goes away. Let me get you hooked up on a drip of medication.

Woman is hooked up to drip machine.

Woman: Dr, What are you giving me.

Doctor: It’s a mixture of the following: exercise, Sad Music, good friends, ice cream, and distractions.

Woman relaxes visibly.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Woman: I am already starting to feel better.

Doctor: You shouldn’t have waited so long, mam. You need to have more self respect.

Woman: Oh Doctor, thank you so much. The pain is easing up and I can breath again.

Doctor: Good! You just stay on the drip for a few hours. I’ll write you a prescription of heart breaking chic flicks and p90x to take home with you. You’ll be right as rain in a few weeks.

Limited Commemorative Elvis Stamps

Location: Us Post office

 

Post office cashier: Next

Woman:  Hello, am I too late to get the limited commemorative Elvis stamps?

Post office cashier: Oh mam, I am so sorry, I don’t’ know how to tell you this, but we sold the last one just moments ago.

Woman: No, you are mistake. Go look again. You probably have another case of them.

Post office cashier: Seriously, I double checked already.

Woman:  You are a professional, check again. I just don’t believe that you could have really sold the last one.

Post office cashier: Mam, this is my Job. I know exactly how many Elvis stamps we had. I know we just sold the last one.

Woman:  Let me back there and let me try to look for it myself.

Post office cashier: You are not a US post office official, mam, you are not qualified to search.

Woman throws her arms in the air:  You made a mistake, Sir. You should plan better and have enough stamps to meet demand.  I hold you responsible for this calamity.

Post office cashier: Mam, they were limited run Elvis stamps. By nature we printed less than demand would require. This is just what happens to all limited run stamps. I’ve seen it happen many times. But I understand your grief and I have a hotline that you can call to get help.

Woman:  Well what if I could find someone who just walked out with the last one? Maybe I can buy it off the person. What did they look like?

Post office cashier: You can’t do that mam. Its rude.

Woman puts her hands over her face and cries: Oh the humanity!

Post office cashier: Mam, please take this hotline number. Call them. They are there to help you through this very common occurrence. They will help you.

Woman: I guess I just have to accept this as my fate. Thank you sir, you have been so patient with me.

 

Frugal Hipsters: Second Date

In a vegan restaurant .

Man: hmm the tofu chick-un looks tempting.

Woman: why eat things that look like meat?

Man: because we are suppose to enjoy meat.

Woman: wow.

Man: why are you so offended? Don't you crave meat?

Woman: I don't, sorry.

Man: you probably do.

Woman: when I age up meat at 5,

I never looked back.

Man: I wish I could eat meat almost every day.

Woman: I don't think we should see eachother again.

Man: just because I am honest about my feelings?

Woman: yes, it's going to cause problems one day.

Man: I have control over them, don't worry. I will be faithful to my vegan life style.

Woman: how can I trust you if you have these type of unnatural desires?

Man: I've nerver acted on them!

Woman: but if they are tearing you up inside it's just a matter of time.

Man: I'll be right back.

Man walks out side and next store to the Burger King and orders a whopper.

He scarfs it down and then returns.

Woman: where did you go?

Man: I had to get something out of my system.

Woman: ok, I am getting the 6 bean salad with seasoned pickels,

What about you?

Man: I am getting the chick-un. 

A New Type of Car Racing

On the street in a dark alley. Two teen age boys wearing large necklaces stand next to their cars. The sound of cars engines revving is in the back ground.

Tommy: I am going make you eat your own words.

Lance: You’re going to cry when I am done with you.

Tommy: I just got all my liquids checked and topped off.

Lance: I just had my tires rotated and balanced.

Tommy: I just put in an extra seat belt.

Lance: I got my wipers replaced.

Tommy: I took my 95 year old grandmother out for a drive and she said I was amazing.

Lance: I took my sister and her two twin 4 year olds out and they were laughing the whole time. You have no chance. I am going to beat you.

Tommy: Let’s settle this once and for all.

Both men get into their cars and start revving their engines.

Race announcer: Welcome to the Safe Drivers Competition! On your mark, get set, Go! May the safest driver win!

Fortune Cookie Writers Association Annual meeting

Chairman: today we again are addressing the Assocation for Upholding Moral Behavior In Society's complaint about our fortune cookies uses.

Audience groans.

Member 1: this is the same story every year!

Chairman: settle down. This year we've asked them to send us a rep and Id like us all to be polite to Mrs Sandi Thompson. 

Mrs Sandi Thompson makes her way to the front.

Audience boos.

Mrs Sandi Thompson: ladies and gentleman, let's start taking responsibly for the morals of our society. 

Audience makes unhappy noises.

Chairman gets up

Chairman: remember to be polite.

Mrs Sandi Thompson: we have some long standing complaints about the often performed habit which you all encourage with your fortune cookie scripts of adding the phrase " in bed" after the sentence found inside. We find this is to entice immoral behavior in out citizens! It's very offensive, therefore even as we have asked before that you write sentences that prevent this type of appendage from being used for enticing of immoral behavior. 

Audience member : like what???

Mrs Sandi Thompson: we have a list compiled: 

"I love sleeping soundly", "I have good wholesome dreams.", "the place I will sleep tonight is."

My favorite:  "I never do immoral things"

That's our request. You are all very creative writers. I am sure you can come up with more.

Chairman: thank you mrs Thompson.

She leaves the stage to silence.

Chairman: we've so come up with a few.

"Ugh. You looked a lot better last night."

Or 

"I would love to try that."

"I wonder if you still are attractive."

Audience cheers.

Mrs Thompson returns

Mrs Thompson: I knew you could do it!

Waiting to live

In nice middle class home.

Man and woman sit watching reality tv.

Man: as soon as I lose 30 lbs, I am going to start playing ultimate frisbee again.

Woman: as soon as I stop nursing Janice I am going to start losing all this pregnancy fat.

Man: as soon as Janice stops keeping us all night I am going to start reading the classics.

Woman: as soon as Janice is out of diapers I am going to join that book club and start reading again.

Man: as soon as I get a promption at work I can start enjoying my job.

Woman: as soon as I get moved to a different department at work I can start studying for the gre on my lunch breaks and go back to school.

Man: as soon as Janice grows up we can go on exotic vacations and see the world.

Woman: as soon as I get my masters I can get an online teaching job and work from home.

Man: as soon as this show ends I am going to get more ice cream, want some?

Woman: yeah, thanks sweetly. One day we are going to really start living.

Frugal Hipsters: First Date - part 2

Woman: also I picked these strawberries myself last year and froze them and put them into our lemon aid.

Man: this is incredible. What about the redish stuff?

Woman: this is home made tofu wings made in a crock pot.

Woman puts the food onto mismatched plates mismatched 

Man eats some of the food and drinks lemon aid.

Man: this is perfect.

Woman: yes I agree.

Man: you know what would make this better?

Woman: what? 

Man: gluten free no carb homemade bread.

Woman: does that exist?

Man: no but it would be awesome if it did.

Woman: well what else would make this awesome is if we had vegan beef brisket with no sugar BBQ sauce.

Man: does that exist?

Woman: no but it would be awesome if it did.

Man: I would love to eat a pile of fat free French fries!

Woman: I would love to eat a pile of grease less pulled pork.

Man: I would love to eat fat free sugar free blue berry cheese cake that was delicious!

Woman: I would love creamy dark chocolate chip ice cream with pecans but with no sugar or fat but actually tasty.

Man and woman sit back and stare at eachother queitly.

 Man: I question your dedication to nutrition and frugality.

Woman: I question yours.

Man: do we secretly want to eat expensive unhealthy food?

Woman: no that would be unthinkable.

Man: your right? Pass the salad please.

Frugal Hipsters: First Date - part 1

At the Frugal Hipster Woman (FHW)'s house. A small trailer in a dumpy neighborhood.
Sitting at table made out of an old door and four cinder blocks.

Man: this is really nice

Woman: I am glad you made it.

Man: I almost thought I wouldn't be able to get out of work in time.

Woman: what do you do?

Man: I am a corporate lawyer, what about you?

Woman: I run a mortgage office.

Man: what did you make for dinner?

Woman: I found some locally grown spinach and tomatoes and made a salad with some home made apple cider vinegar. Then I have black beans and rice that I ordered online from a wholesaler  and I got it by the 25 lbs bag .

Man: my favorite!!

Frugal Hipster

Location: Local tea shop

Normal Woman to the Frugal Hipster Woman: I got such a good deal on toothpaste at Publix yesterday.

Frugal Hipster Woman: I buy all my household products online.

Frugal Hipster Man sits nearby and turns around from his conversation and makes eye contact with the Frugal Hipster Woman: I only buy household products online that have been mostly used.

Frugal Hipster Woman turns to the man ignoring the Normal Woman: I only flush every 3 times.

Frugal Hipster Man: I take cold showers.

Frugal Hipster Woman; I take 2 minute showers.

Frugal Hipster Woman and Frugal Hipster Man get closer.

Frugal Hipster Man: I water down my toothpaste.

Frugal Hipster Woman: I reuse my floss.

Frugal Hipster Man: I reuse my mouthwash.

Frugal Hipster Woman and Frugal Hipster Man kiss.

Normal Woman: You guys need to get a room in a discounted apartment in a bad neighborhood together.

 

Spa Day

Woman: Hello. I would like to get a pedi. My daughter is getting married tomorrow and I need to get the fungus out of my toes.
Spa Attendant: I am sorry, we only Massage and facials here at Massage Envy. No pedicures or manicures.
Woman: Can you wipe some of the cleaning agents you use during a facial on my toes?
Spa Attendant: I don't think that will work.
Woman: I have a gift certificate for this spa. What can you do about my toes?
Spa Attendant: We can give you a massage.
Woman: So I am so relaxed I don't care about my toes?

Animal Cruelty

Wife: can we make love?
Husband: yes
Wife: I am going to wear my bunny suit!
Husband: awesome!!
Wife: Ohhh can you tie me up and whip me??
Husband: you know I am a vegan!
Wife: and?
Husband: whipping a bunny is animal cruelty. I can't let myself get used to hurting am animal.
Wife: Oh come on dear! I want to do it!nHusband: Next I'll be eating butter and drinking milk.
Wife: Please just this one time!
Husband: then I'll be eating stakes and longing to put pigs in small cages! Absolutely not!!!
Child cries in the background.
Wife: Oh crud. Sammy is such a little brat. He hates being in that straight jacket.
Husband: Let me go tighten the gag so we can't hear him.
Wife: You are such a good father.

Addiction

Bob: Jill, you have that look in your eyes like when you stole my car to buy drugs.
Jill: Bob, you always walk around like you don't need anything. Try an addiction so you can understand the power of Need.
Bob: I need you Jill, that’s all.
Jill: You need me to need you. That doesn't count.
Bob: I need you to stay clean so you can live your life.
Jill: You would be bored out of your mind if I was clean. Who would you judge?
Bob: I want you to be in control of yourself.
Jill: You want to control me. You love that when I am high you can fully control me. And that when I am sober you can fully feel superior to me. You win no matter what.
Bob: I'd be happy if you were clean.
Jill: You'd be lost without me to take care of.
Bob: You'd be lost without me to take care of you.
Jill: I don't care if I am lost.
Bob: You need me. Tell me you need me.
Jill Cries
Bob: You don't even need to tell me. I know it.